Who? What? Why?

So I've been going through a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out who I am. I know my name is Sarah, I know I'm nineteen, I know my family tree, stuff like that. But who am I? What is my purpose of being here? What am I supposed to do with this life I've been given?

I'm told a lot of the time that I'm a fun girl, that I'm a great friend, that I'm an incredible person. I'm not saying this to sound conceited or anything like, I promise, I'm just saying it's what I'm told. So, then if I'm told this stuff then why don't I really feel like it? Why don't I feel like a cool, amazing, incredible, fun, great person? Why don't I feel like a good person in general? What is it exactly is it that they see?

I was talking to a friend last night and I said I feel like someone going through a mid-life crisis at the beginning of my life. So, maybe this is me finally finding out who I am?

But who is that?

A lot of people that know me call me a goody-goody. I'm not, I make mistakes, I have bad thoughts, I say bad things, I'm not a great person and I'm definitely not as perfect as everyone seems to think I am. I try to be good, I try to please everyone, but it's just not possible. I will never be able to please everyone, I will never be able to be the person everyone expects me to be, because everyone expects different things.  That's just it, everyone expects something out of me.

I feel like I've been giving and giving and trying and trying and I've just come up empty. Someone will come to me and I feel like they're there until they get what they want and they just leave. So why do I keep giving them that? Why do I keep allowing it?

I figured that's just part of who I am, I want to give people what I can so that they'll be around me and like me and all of that, but why does that really matter? Why does it matter so much to me that people like me? I know that I have people that are there that do like me, that will be with me for (hopefully) the rest of my life, like my best friends, my sister and my mom. So why do I have to please everyone else?

So here's what I DO know about myself. My name is Sarah, I'm nineteen, I'm a Christian, I'm in love with Jesus, I have a mommy, a sister and a group of really close friends that I just love and adore and would die for. I can by hyper, I can be mean, I'm not perfect and not everyone will ever completely pleased with me, not even my mom, sister and friends. I know I love to read and write, and it's my escape from life. I know I want to serve God, and I know I want to know who exactly I am. I know I want to do something important with my life.

So what will it be? Who will I be?

Changes

I haven't blogged in a while. It hasn't necessarily been because I've been busy or I've forgotten its just because I haven't really had the energy or desire to do anything really. 

There has been so much change going on in my life in the last month that's it's just pretty much ridiculous. I'm serious, I've barely been able to keep up with my own life it's changing so much. I'm at one place one day and anther place the other day (mentally and emotionally, I'm still staying at the Dream Center). 

First change: I'm single. 

Yeah, it sucks. Kody and I broke up. For anyone back home this is kind of old news now except for the few that are not in the loop. So, yeah, Kody and I are no longer together. That has been something that has been really hard to deal with, let alone accept. It still doesn't feel real most of the time. I'll have something exciting happen and I'll instantly want to call him and tell him. Or it still blows my mind that I haven't talked to him in depth for over a month. It still hurts and its a pain I'm not quite sure how to deal with except for to lean on Jesus.

Second change: I'm thinking about going back to school.

This is a HUGE change because I have always said I won't go to college or anything like that because I hate school. School is boring and yes it teaches you things but it just sucks. I hate it. But now here I am, thinking about to going to school. I'm not quite sure if that's what I'm going to do for sure or not but its an idea I've been looking into and requesting information and applying for. 

Third change: I have vision for my life once again.

This is a gigantic change. I have been kind of just doing whatever for the last year, just waiting or thinking or whatever. I had no plans, minus coming to Dream Center but I didn't know what I was going to do next, and although my plans aren't set in stone, (what plans ever can with how much the world changes daily?) I am setting up things so that once I'm done here with the Dream Center then I will have some sort of plan. 

What is my plan? Well, I'm hoping to have it all nice and ready by the time I come home from vacation this month. Like I said above I'm looking into going back to school so that's a plan, or I'm starting to plan for my big dream, my main goal in life. Which is, for those of you who don't know, to start a teen center for hurting youth. I'm not going to go into deep details but I'm going to start a place where teenagers can come and get hope spoken back into them. So many teenagers are told they are hopeless, that they're worthless, that their lives have no meaning, I want to build a place where they can come and learn otherwise and learn that they're here for a reason and that no matter what other people say, Jesus loves them and there will always be hope for their lives.

Fourth change: I'm going back home after I'm done with the Dream Center.

I had posted before that I was thinking about moving somewhere with my mom or staying here at Dream Center for longer. Nope, I''M GOING HOME! That's a plan, right? So I have something planned out.

So yeah, four changes, four pretty big changes for me, good thing. Trying to keep up with them and get them all figured out and planned out? Hard to do but I will do them. Wish me luck!

He has the answers, not me

This week has been kind of crazy for me. It started out with my roomie, Bri, leaving me for a week to go home and visit with family. Which, it was nice to have the room to myself for a few days but...I really missed talking to her about everything. Ok, not everything, but most things. Bri has become my closest friend here and so it was like starting over all over again here at the Dream Center. I took the first few days to catch up on some much needed sleep and quiet time with Jesus, both of which I REALLY needed.

Then things started happening. Situations back home caused me to start falling down emotionally...again. Due to the privacy of the people I won't say what, but things going on with the people closest to me, times where I would normally run to their side and hold 'em close and just love on 'em happened...and I wasn't there. I felt like a failure. I had told them I would always be there for them and I wasn't, at times where people needed me most, I wasn't there. Something that really killed me.

See, I'm the type of person that even if I don't know the right thing to say or do, I want to be there for the people that mean to most to me. I would hold them close and tell them I loved them and just listen to their thoughts, listen to them vent, or freak out, whatever they did or needed that I could do I would do. 

Instead, since I'm here, and they're back home, all I can do is pray for them, which I did A LOT of surprisingly, and talk to them the most I can via texting/phone calls. No hugging them so that they can feel my love, or no standing beside them, holding their hand to let them know I'm there for them. Nothing that I would normally do.

It killed me. When the latest news hit me, which I won't say what it was, I finally broke. I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for the people, my heart was just too broken, it couldn't handle anymore. But, guess Who I cried to?

That's right. I didn't call Jim, or Kody, or even Mommy. I called Jesus...well not on the phone obviously, but I called out to Him. I cried and asked Him why the most important people in my life had to go through the things they were going through, what had they done wrong and why in the world was I away from them so I couldn't take care of them? And guess what? I got an answer, but not before I ran to Daddy God and surrendered everything and took refuge in Him, in the shadow of His wings.

God showed me that I will not always be able to be there for the people that I care about the most, even though I want to be, I can't, not always. BUT HE CAN! Isn't that GREAT? The One that created us just the way we are can ALWAYS be there, even when our bestest best friends fail us (even if they don't mean to) we have the True Best Friend that is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS there!

God also showed me that I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO STOP taking responsibility for everyone and everyone's problems, something that IS NOT going to be easy for me to learn. You see, when people mean a lot to me, I try to take CARE of all their problems, which in turn makes me take ON all their problems. So then, when I have my own problems to deal with, plus those of everyone I know and love dearly, I get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated and then I crumble and fall apart. 

This does not mean however, that I can't be there for people and love on them and all that, I just have to learn to leave it at that. I can pray for them, and love them, and talk them through it, but I can't take the problem as my own. This is going to be hard...

So, I don't really know what the point of this rambling is except to share a new lesson that I learned this week. Look to Him and He'll show you the way!

Best Friends

People like to say that you can only have one best friend, but that's just not true. I have multiple best friends. I have best friends that I've had since birth (meaning my sister Mickiah of course). Then I have my bestfriends that I've had since kindergarten, Erica, then later on in the school years, Casey. Then I have my best friend from church that has been my best friend for almost five years, who is, of course, Dezi. Now each one of these girls I have different connections with, I have different memories with. 

With Mickiah my memories include, sibling fights, her standing up for me as my sister, and of course following her around all the time because I wanted to be just like her. Then we grew up and so those memories consist of driving around in the car blasting out to music (something that I actually do with all my best friends), having deep talks about life and boys, her guiding me through the tough things, etc, etc. Mickiah and I talk not everyday but close enough over text, or e-mail, or a phone call here and there, due to her living in Vegas with her husband. She just announced to everyone, though I have known for a while now, that she and her husband Jesse are expecting their first child. They don't know the gender of their baby yet, due to them not being that far along, but they are thinking about keeping that surprise to themselves. 

With Erica, we have many, many memories of playing as kids. We were pretty much inseperable as kids, staying at each others houses all the time, calling each others parents mom and dad, that kind of thing. Then we had a few years apart, I think we talked like...three times in the four-five years that we didn't see each other. Then my brother, Jeremiah, somehow got in touch with her sister and then gave her my number and we started hanging out once again. Those memories include talking about boys, me Kody, her James, and life and blasting out to Ke$ha in my car, since now we can drive, and just being girls together. Now, Erica is married and expecting her first child, a baby girl named Fayth who is due within the next few weeks, so excited to meet my best friend's baby and my god-daughter. Erica still talk but not as much as we like due to me being away and her and her husband having moved away from our small town. BUT, we still talk and she is still my best friend.

Then comes Casey. Casey has been my best friend since seventh grade, right around the time that Erica and I stopped being able to see each other. Casey and I have always had a fun, but different relationship. See, me I'm a loud, hyper, touchy person. Casey, is quiet, calm and collected, and does not like to touch, or be lovey dovey. I tell all my friend "Love you" and I tell Casey that too, but she is one of the friends that I know she loves me but she really doesn't like to say it, it's awkward for her. But Casey and I have our fun memories, of (don't look down on me for this, I was in junior high at the time), making fun of people, making up nicknames for those people so that we could talk about them without them or anyone else knowing that it was them. Then we have other memories, that almost broke our friendship, but best friends make it through anything right? Then we have, of course, our shared love for Supernatural, or rather Jensen Ackles, oh so beautiful Jensen...yummy. Sorry, got a little distracted there, anyway, Casey and I have many memories of talking about supernatural, watching supernatural together and talking about it, me missing supernatural so her either writing out what happens or drawing out in a lovely way what happened, or us watching supernatural seperately but texting each other "oh my gosh! did you see that!". When I say we talk about Supernatural, yes we did talk about the show but most of the time it was talking about how sexy Jensen looked, or how cute that certain look on Jensen's face was. Now, we talk about anything and everything, including moving in with each other when I come home from Los Angeles, and of course, we still talk about Jensen's beautifulness =)

Then, of course, there's Dezi. My precious Dezi-ray, I purposefully misspell her name =) I love my Dezi, she is my younger best friend, but absolutely the one the probably gets me the most. We have multiple inside jokes, nicknames for each other, and funny stories. Whenever I think of Dezi I have to smile because when I think of her I think of the memories I have with her, especially a recent one to Wal Mart =) Dezi is the one that I probably talk to the most, about the most. I can tell her everything and not be worried about her judgement or her telling other people. Not saying that I don't trust my other best friends that way, but I'm just saying I probably am that way with her most. I can not wait to see her when I come home, because we are both going through so much stuff at this point of our lives and we've had to learn how to not lean on each other as much, but to figure things out ourselves, but when we are together we will definitely have a sit down talk and probably cry with each other and wipe each other's tears over everything that has happened. 

See? You can have multiple best friends for different things, or share the same things with each of them, but still have a different connection with each. I love each of these girls so much, they each have a huge piece of my heart and they all mean a lot to me, the same amount of a lot to me =) 

Lessons I'm learning

So, I've really been thinking about why God has me here. Like, a lot. I've been so confused, at times it has felt sort of senseless that I was even here to begin with. Luckily, God knows what I need, just when I need it. He send people, like my amazing friends here to just have a sit down and talk girl-talk which leads to me later on thinking, wow, I've come such a long ways from there, God knew what He was doing then when He took me out of that situation, I guess I should trust that He's doing the same now, right?

Well, see, I have this little problem...well, it's actually a big problem that I'm trying to fix...my godfather likes to call it my "fear of the unknown".  That is a big thing for me, I really DO have a fear of the unknown, yet I like to try and plan for the future. 

I DON'T like NOT knowing what I'm going to be doing, sure I like surprises but not ones that will mess with my future. So I usually do this thing, that I have found a lot of people doing. Which is saying, "God, I trust you to do this...BUT can you do this?" Which, it's not a bad thing to ask God for something, He's a father who likes to give things to his children, but He gives things to them that are good for them, things they need, not necessarily everything they want.

For instance, I can pray and pray and pray for God to give me an answer about what He wants me to do, but that doesn't mean he's going to...at least not that day. He could, He very easily could, but it doesn't mean He HAS to. Does that make sense? Which, by the way, I have been doing and He hasn't necessarily given me an answer, but He's opening some other options that I didn't even think about before, which could easily just be Him telling me it doesn't have to be this or that, but that other things can be worked out.

Anyway, something that I'm learning is that God does know what's best for me, He knows the right step and if I just calm down, learn to be patient and just listen for Him then He will guide me down the path He wants me to go down. I need to learn how to get rid of my fear of the unknown and just trust that God really can take care of everything and that it will all work out for the best.

Decision, decisions...how I HATE decisions

Ok, so I left home to come to the Dream Center and things weren't so good back home. Well, since then things have gotten pretty messy back home. So now I have decisions to make about going home when my internship is done. 

My question is, how do I make grown-up decisions when I don't know how to be a grown-up? Everyone keeps saying, "you have to make this decision because it is going to affect the next step of your life." So how do I choose such an important choice?

One option I have is to go back home and figure out some way to live. I'd have to find a home, I'd have to find a job, I'd have to find a car, I'd have to do so much stuff that I don't know if I'm ready to handle on my own. BUT the highlight of all that is that I would no longer be away from everything I've ever known.  I'll no longer be in that long distance relationship that I'm in right now, because I'd be back home and I'd be able to see Kody more then enough, and I'd get my FILL on his hugs =) But the truth is, that this "option" isn't really an option. Because I don't have a home to go back to, I'd be invading someone's house and taking up room until I could find a job that's good enough to support me with an apartment and bills, and all the other kinds of living expenses and when it all came down to it, even though daily I'd be surrounded by co-workers and friends, I'd still go home to a home all to myself, something I'm not quite sure I'd like.

My other option is to stay here at the dream center...something I'm not quite sure I want to do. Yes, I have fallen in love with the heart of ministry here and have made a little family of friends here but, I'm not sure I want to stay here any longer then I have to, due to the fact that, while I'd still be serving God, I want to take the next step in my life. I want to move on from this season that God has put me in as soon as possible. So, unless God gives me a SO PERFECTLY CLEAR message that couldn't be denied that it was from God Himself, I wouldn't be staying here at dream center at the end of these last six months.

Six months, crazy right? It's already been two months, yet it's seemed like an eternity. I'm telling you, its such a weird time warp here. Anyway, back to my options...

My last option, I won't say where I'd be going, but it's definitely not home. But I'd be with my mom, and I wouldn't have to pay as many bills, and I'd be able to get a job and save up for a little bit while not worrying about where I'm going to be staying the next day. But this would also mean, more time away from Kody, Dezi, my church, and everyone else that matters to me, something I'm not too happy about, but I know that being with my mom I'd be fine.

Someone told me today that they think that God sent me here to the Dream Center for a transitional phase in my life and I couldn't agree more. But she also said that she thinks He sent me here to prepare me for this next step of my life by making me leave everything and everyone I've ever known behind and to just get away, figure out who I am without everyone else around me telling me who I am, and to solely focus on Him. I can agree with that to a point, but I'm just not excited about staying away from everyone, I love them all so much, I don't want to leave them. I know there is that saying about "people come and go" but I don't WANT them to come and go, and I don't want to be one of the ones that GO!

What to do, what to do? 

This is such a frustrating situation, I honestly have NO CLUE what my next step will be or what I'm going to decide for it to be, because I don't know how to make such an important decision...

So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to pray. I'm going to get away from everyone here at dream center, which shouldn't be hard unless my roomie decides to be in the room tonight, and I'm just going to pray and listen for God and if He doesn't respond right away, that will be ok, I'll just keep praying and seeking His answer. After all, I DID tell Him I'd do anything...I just didn't think He'd have me leave...wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

The latest in my current life

Well, it finally hit me that I haven't blogged in a long time. Well, a long time to me. So, I decided to just kind of update my blog. 

So for starters, my room mate Kendra moved out of our room a few days ago. It was sad to see her go, we've really bonded and she understands my struggles of being in a long distance relationship. When I'm in the mood that ALL I want is my boyfriend, she gets it. Bri, I'm sure she sort of does, but she still seems to not get it at the same time. Kendra does, she has been there, done that. So she understands the importance of a simple phone call, she understands just missing them even though your fine otherwise. Granted she just moved down the hallway, BUT it's not the same to me because first off, I won't know when she's busy or not now and I talk better to people in their room so that everyone on campus doesn't hear and spread rumors or something stupid like that. 

So Kendra moving out means a few things. First off, there is less mess due to there being one less person. Second off, we now have room for TWO more room mates when the next bunch of interns comes in, instead of the one we had before...well sort of. We had a BED for them but not really ROOM. Anyway, it also means that I now have to worry about one room mate coming in late so I don't have to stay up so late waiting for them to come in because otherwise they'll wake me up. Bri, never wakes me up when she comes in, like, NEVER. She has the gift of being like a mouse. So, now I can go to bed when I want and not be woken up the next morning when Kendra gets up early for work, which really only bothered me when I was SUPER tired. It also means that Kendra will be able to sleep all she wants and not be interrupted by Bri and I being in the room talking or whatever. Finally, it means that I moved from top bunk, to bottom bunk, which means no more almost falling off the top bunk or dropping things off the top bunk.

Another thing that is going on is that I am absolutely HATING being in a long distance relationship. Now, for the people back home reading this, NO, we are not gonna break up. What I'm saying is that this just sucks. I miss him all the time and I hate the days where I could really use one of his hugs, or cuddling with him and there is no way I can get it. I hate that I can't see him and all I can get is a phone call or an email. No hugs, no hand holding, no hugs, no cuddling, no hugs, no just being with each other and hanging out, and did I mention NO HUGS? Can you tell I miss his hugs??? I do, I MISS KODY'S HUGS!!! LIKE CRAZY!!! But, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? It is definitely doing that to me...when Kody came for my birthday I really enjoyed the time that I had with him and was thankful for the time I had with him. And whenever the next time I see him is, then I will be VERY thankful for that time. Just saying, there will be some MAJOR hugging going on =)

Something else that is going on in my life is that my Bible study every morning is really doing great. I actually started reading in the morning and at night. I actually JUST started that, as of last night. It's so funny because I used to not even want to read the Bible and now I can't seem to get enough of it. I just want to keep reading it and reading it but I have other responsibilities to take care of, like work, and my social time as well. I started reading James last night and I only allowed myself to read one chapter because I knew that if I didn't stop when I did I wouldn't have stopped, I would have read far into the night. But believe me, the little bit that I did read last night held SO MUCH stuff in it. In fact, I remember thinking, who knew that one chapter in the Bible could hold so much good stuff in it? For those of you that are curious, James is the PERFECT book to read when you're going through trials or temptations or hard times. It tells you exactly how to deal with it, and it's a cool way to look at it.

Another thing that is new is that tomorrow, I will have been here for officially two months. Crazy huh? On some points it feels like its been an eternity that I've been gone, but when it comes down to other things, it hasn't been that long. It's a weird atmosphere here when it comes to time frames. Everyday feels like its a week long but then it also goes by so fast at the same time. There have been numerous times when I have looked back at something and been like, "Wow, I did that today? I thought I did that like five days ago." It's just weird sometimes, but at the same time it's a comfortable time frame. Like, you feel like you've been here for years so you're comfortable with things here and the way things are. Sure, we all still have problems with different things, like the fact that sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school because everyone has to know everything about everyone and rumors and news flies faster then you think it could.

The last thing I want to say is that due to the current heat, I finally feel like I'm in Los Angeles. It is so super hot, this is when I wish I was back at home. Its already 80+ degrees and that is after it was just RAINING this weekend. I'm not used to 80+ degrees all of a sudden and in general I'm not used to 80+ degress. Back home, it kind of builds up to that, and by the time it gets to like, 60 degrees everyone is in shorts and tank tops. So, I am currently having major issues with this heat, BUT I guess I will have to get used to it the same way I've gotten used to everything else around here.

That's all for now, folks!