Gaurd Your Heart

So since I came back from vacation last month (wow, it's already been a month that I've been back...well, tomorrow) I have been slacking with my Bible reading...meaning...I haven't been reading my Bible like I was before. Well LATE last night my room mate, Stacy,  was NOT ready for bed although the other three of us (Oh yeah, update I have ANOTHER room mate) of us ladies were. So she decided to do the sleep over thing which is, everyone is laying in bed and you talk and talk and talk...well, mostly it was her talking. She asked us what our highlight God thing was yesterday and she answered first. Well, she ended up reading a Bible verse (Proverbs 3:3-8) and as she was reading it God began moving in me. So, then I turned my grumpy-ready-for-bed-stacy-shut-up attitude to "Stacy, do me a favor and please read the Proverb for the day" (Proverb for the day is reading the chapter of Proverbs that matches the date, for example today is August 4th, so I'd ready Proverbs 4). Which lead to her going back and reading the whole Proverb and the whole time she read it God was just moving. It wasn't one of those Holy Spirit Highs or anything in fact it was something totally different. God didn't get me all excited and on fire, He just simply used the words Stacy was speaking out to speak to my heart and to calm me in a way I haven't been calm in a while. 

Well, once Stacy finished we all stopped talking and went to sleep...except for me. No, now I was awake just soaking in the presence of God, listening to Him speak to me.

Well, God went and worked on a part of me that we are still working on together. You know how a lot of people have this place where it's like "God, You can have everything BUT this part" and God is like, "But I want THAT part, THAT part right THERE!" and you know, we fight and fuss and it's the point where people are like "ok, that's it, I'm done" and they just walk away...all because they don't want to give God the most precious part of themselves to them. 

That part of me is my heart. See, as I've grown up I've had things happen that broke my heart. So, I've grown up and had people have the parts that have already been broken and mended but I kept the part of me that hadn't been broken to myself, no one got it, not even God. God has been after this part of me for a long, long time. This part of me is where I hide everything about me, my fears, my hurts...everything. I've always been afraid that if I gave that part of me to anyone, especially God, I'd have nothing left and I'd fall apart or something of that sort. 

Well, first of all can I just say, God is freaking amazing!!! I love Him so much! See, no matter how stubborn I am (wonder where I get that gene from...mom or dad? BOTH), God can either forcibly or gently move in me and He is so amazing about it, and He gets what He wants and blesses me in return. 

Anyway, so God came to me last night and He moved in one of the most gentlest ways He ever has before. He put me in complete peace before moving though. It was kind of like a surgery, the doctors put you to sleep and then they work on you. That's kind of what God did, He put me in a place of complete and total peace and relaxation, but it wasn't like getting ready for bed, although that's what I had been doing just moments before. So, God got me in this peaceful state and then it was like I could literally feel Him worming His way into that place where I've tried to hide and keep from Him. It was like He was trying to show me what could happen if I would just let Him have it all. Now, I just have to make the decision and do it...it's going to be a hard process for me.

So, anyway, this morning I woke up and decided I'd read the Proverbs of the day since I didn't have much time before work. So I did and this is what stuck out this morning

"23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

You see, last night God wasn't trying to have me give me my heart out to everyone, just Him. So this is my plan, to give God my heart so that HE can protect it because, after all, He is the best Protector of all right?

Vacation

Recently I took a 10 day vacation back home. It was nice to get away from Dream Center and see how things were going back home, but it was hard to leave once again. It was nice though, to be able to say "This is the last time I have to do this". Meaning, of course, it was the last time having to say bye to everyone back home to leave for the Dream Center. Of course, I can't predict the future, so it may not be the last time, forever. BUT it was nice to be able to say, to my knowledge, that it was the last time I have to say goodbye to all my precious loved ones back home. 

My time home was nice in many ways but it was also kind of hard to be home. There was so much change since I left in February. Not only there at home, but in me as well. 

See, when I left, when it came to being told what to do in a commanding way, I would do it and I would bend over backwards to make sure I could do it for them. I was being controlled by so many different people, who I love and respect, but I was feeling so much pressure from them, I didn't want to let them down or disappoint them, so I felt that I had to be perfect little, yes ma'am, no ma'am Sarah. So when I came back a lot of those same people noticed a change in me that way. I heard a few comments like, "you seem to have more confidence" or "you hold yourself different" or "there's a peace about you that there wasn't before" and I loved hearing that there was a noticeable change. That was one of my fears of coming here and that I would change but go home the same person, or change so much that people didn't know who I was.  People accepted me just fine, but some had a problem adjusting to me actually saying no to them. 

One of the biggest people I had a problem with was my family. They were some of the people who mostly controlled me before I left. I was someone that could be walked all over and never say a word about it. Well, that changed, and most of them didn't like it. One of the people I was worried about having a problem with was my mom, but she was actually one of the people who respected and understood that change in me. But, a lot of my other family members did not like the fact that I would tell them no or I would actually argue a point with them. Now, it wasn't in a disrespectful way. Dream Center has taught me how to speak respectfully to people above you, and treat everyone as an equal but at the same time not let them walk all over you and treat you like a low life. So I guess what I'm saying is I now have a backbone and will stand up for myself, which I really did need to learn. I will still be respectful and treat everyone equally but at the same time I will expect the same in return and not to be treated rudely.

Someone made the comment that I seem to have a peace about me, which I found very hard to believe due to the fact that I have been feeling so NOT at peace for the longest time. But, what I came to decide what they saw was that I have come to realize that I can stress about everything and carry everyone's burdens on my shoulders. I can only take care of myself, and myself has to be ok before I can try to take care of other people. At the same time, when I was home, I was very relaxed while being home due to knowing that I couldn't change anything there anymore than I could change the weather (which was COLD) and that I was just happy to be home and surrounded by the people I care most about in my life.

Anyway, so going home was a refreshing but semi-challenging event. When I was home I realized how many people I have been blessed with in my life that care about me, and how much I truly missed them. They may challenge me and try to control who I am (some of them) but they all love me and I love them. I can't wait to go home and be with them again, in just two and a half months. It's weird thinking about how much has changed in so little time though, and that's what I'm going to have problems adjusting to when I go home. There were people back home that I revolved my world around, and now I have to start living for myself, doing things that I enjoy, for me.

Going home was really good in a spiritual way too. I got to meet with my godfather Jim, my pastor Sam and his wife Sharnessa, and some other spiritual leaders in my life and I got to be filled up again by their encouraging words and hope for my life. I got to talk to them and ask for their really good advice and their wise words, in person, once again. I missed those meetings.

I got to spend time with my family that I haven't gotten to see for a while, my dad's side of the family, my brother that just got back from overseas and my sister and her husband who are expecting their first child, a little baby girl. I got to see my "second" family, the Jacobson's which was really nice, they always make me feel so loved and welcomed in their lives. I got to meet my precious, beautiful goddaughter, Fayth for the first time since she's been born, she's now two months old, man they grow up fast. I got to meet my best friend's new man, Thomas, who I actually like, (I don't usually like her taste in men) he's pretty cool.

All in all it was a great trip, you know what I forgot to do though? Take pictures...I'll make sure to take a bunch when I go home for good in a couple months.

Who? What? Why?

So I've been going through a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out who I am. I know my name is Sarah, I know I'm nineteen, I know my family tree, stuff like that. But who am I? What is my purpose of being here? What am I supposed to do with this life I've been given?

I'm told a lot of the time that I'm a fun girl, that I'm a great friend, that I'm an incredible person. I'm not saying this to sound conceited or anything like, I promise, I'm just saying it's what I'm told. So, then if I'm told this stuff then why don't I really feel like it? Why don't I feel like a cool, amazing, incredible, fun, great person? Why don't I feel like a good person in general? What is it exactly is it that they see?

I was talking to a friend last night and I said I feel like someone going through a mid-life crisis at the beginning of my life. So, maybe this is me finally finding out who I am?

But who is that?

A lot of people that know me call me a goody-goody. I'm not, I make mistakes, I have bad thoughts, I say bad things, I'm not a great person and I'm definitely not as perfect as everyone seems to think I am. I try to be good, I try to please everyone, but it's just not possible. I will never be able to please everyone, I will never be able to be the person everyone expects me to be, because everyone expects different things.  That's just it, everyone expects something out of me.

I feel like I've been giving and giving and trying and trying and I've just come up empty. Someone will come to me and I feel like they're there until they get what they want and they just leave. So why do I keep giving them that? Why do I keep allowing it?

I figured that's just part of who I am, I want to give people what I can so that they'll be around me and like me and all of that, but why does that really matter? Why does it matter so much to me that people like me? I know that I have people that are there that do like me, that will be with me for (hopefully) the rest of my life, like my best friends, my sister and my mom. So why do I have to please everyone else?

So here's what I DO know about myself. My name is Sarah, I'm nineteen, I'm a Christian, I'm in love with Jesus, I have a mommy, a sister and a group of really close friends that I just love and adore and would die for. I can by hyper, I can be mean, I'm not perfect and not everyone will ever completely pleased with me, not even my mom, sister and friends. I know I love to read and write, and it's my escape from life. I know I want to serve God, and I know I want to know who exactly I am. I know I want to do something important with my life.

So what will it be? Who will I be?

Changes

I haven't blogged in a while. It hasn't necessarily been because I've been busy or I've forgotten its just because I haven't really had the energy or desire to do anything really. 

There has been so much change going on in my life in the last month that's it's just pretty much ridiculous. I'm serious, I've barely been able to keep up with my own life it's changing so much. I'm at one place one day and anther place the other day (mentally and emotionally, I'm still staying at the Dream Center). 

First change: I'm single. 

Yeah, it sucks. Kody and I broke up. For anyone back home this is kind of old news now except for the few that are not in the loop. So, yeah, Kody and I are no longer together. That has been something that has been really hard to deal with, let alone accept. It still doesn't feel real most of the time. I'll have something exciting happen and I'll instantly want to call him and tell him. Or it still blows my mind that I haven't talked to him in depth for over a month. It still hurts and its a pain I'm not quite sure how to deal with except for to lean on Jesus.

Second change: I'm thinking about going back to school.

This is a HUGE change because I have always said I won't go to college or anything like that because I hate school. School is boring and yes it teaches you things but it just sucks. I hate it. But now here I am, thinking about to going to school. I'm not quite sure if that's what I'm going to do for sure or not but its an idea I've been looking into and requesting information and applying for. 

Third change: I have vision for my life once again.

This is a gigantic change. I have been kind of just doing whatever for the last year, just waiting or thinking or whatever. I had no plans, minus coming to Dream Center but I didn't know what I was going to do next, and although my plans aren't set in stone, (what plans ever can with how much the world changes daily?) I am setting up things so that once I'm done here with the Dream Center then I will have some sort of plan. 

What is my plan? Well, I'm hoping to have it all nice and ready by the time I come home from vacation this month. Like I said above I'm looking into going back to school so that's a plan, or I'm starting to plan for my big dream, my main goal in life. Which is, for those of you who don't know, to start a teen center for hurting youth. I'm not going to go into deep details but I'm going to start a place where teenagers can come and get hope spoken back into them. So many teenagers are told they are hopeless, that they're worthless, that their lives have no meaning, I want to build a place where they can come and learn otherwise and learn that they're here for a reason and that no matter what other people say, Jesus loves them and there will always be hope for their lives.

Fourth change: I'm going back home after I'm done with the Dream Center.

I had posted before that I was thinking about moving somewhere with my mom or staying here at Dream Center for longer. Nope, I''M GOING HOME! That's a plan, right? So I have something planned out.

So yeah, four changes, four pretty big changes for me, good thing. Trying to keep up with them and get them all figured out and planned out? Hard to do but I will do them. Wish me luck!

He has the answers, not me

This week has been kind of crazy for me. It started out with my roomie, Bri, leaving me for a week to go home and visit with family. Which, it was nice to have the room to myself for a few days but...I really missed talking to her about everything. Ok, not everything, but most things. Bri has become my closest friend here and so it was like starting over all over again here at the Dream Center. I took the first few days to catch up on some much needed sleep and quiet time with Jesus, both of which I REALLY needed.

Then things started happening. Situations back home caused me to start falling down emotionally...again. Due to the privacy of the people I won't say what, but things going on with the people closest to me, times where I would normally run to their side and hold 'em close and just love on 'em happened...and I wasn't there. I felt like a failure. I had told them I would always be there for them and I wasn't, at times where people needed me most, I wasn't there. Something that really killed me.

See, I'm the type of person that even if I don't know the right thing to say or do, I want to be there for the people that mean to most to me. I would hold them close and tell them I loved them and just listen to their thoughts, listen to them vent, or freak out, whatever they did or needed that I could do I would do. 

Instead, since I'm here, and they're back home, all I can do is pray for them, which I did A LOT of surprisingly, and talk to them the most I can via texting/phone calls. No hugging them so that they can feel my love, or no standing beside them, holding their hand to let them know I'm there for them. Nothing that I would normally do.

It killed me. When the latest news hit me, which I won't say what it was, I finally broke. I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for the people, my heart was just too broken, it couldn't handle anymore. But, guess Who I cried to?

That's right. I didn't call Jim, or Kody, or even Mommy. I called Jesus...well not on the phone obviously, but I called out to Him. I cried and asked Him why the most important people in my life had to go through the things they were going through, what had they done wrong and why in the world was I away from them so I couldn't take care of them? And guess what? I got an answer, but not before I ran to Daddy God and surrendered everything and took refuge in Him, in the shadow of His wings.

God showed me that I will not always be able to be there for the people that I care about the most, even though I want to be, I can't, not always. BUT HE CAN! Isn't that GREAT? The One that created us just the way we are can ALWAYS be there, even when our bestest best friends fail us (even if they don't mean to) we have the True Best Friend that is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS there!

God also showed me that I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO STOP taking responsibility for everyone and everyone's problems, something that IS NOT going to be easy for me to learn. You see, when people mean a lot to me, I try to take CARE of all their problems, which in turn makes me take ON all their problems. So then, when I have my own problems to deal with, plus those of everyone I know and love dearly, I get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated and then I crumble and fall apart. 

This does not mean however, that I can't be there for people and love on them and all that, I just have to learn to leave it at that. I can pray for them, and love them, and talk them through it, but I can't take the problem as my own. This is going to be hard...

So, I don't really know what the point of this rambling is except to share a new lesson that I learned this week. Look to Him and He'll show you the way!

Best Friends

People like to say that you can only have one best friend, but that's just not true. I have multiple best friends. I have best friends that I've had since birth (meaning my sister Mickiah of course). Then I have my bestfriends that I've had since kindergarten, Erica, then later on in the school years, Casey. Then I have my best friend from church that has been my best friend for almost five years, who is, of course, Dezi. Now each one of these girls I have different connections with, I have different memories with. 

With Mickiah my memories include, sibling fights, her standing up for me as my sister, and of course following her around all the time because I wanted to be just like her. Then we grew up and so those memories consist of driving around in the car blasting out to music (something that I actually do with all my best friends), having deep talks about life and boys, her guiding me through the tough things, etc, etc. Mickiah and I talk not everyday but close enough over text, or e-mail, or a phone call here and there, due to her living in Vegas with her husband. She just announced to everyone, though I have known for a while now, that she and her husband Jesse are expecting their first child. They don't know the gender of their baby yet, due to them not being that far along, but they are thinking about keeping that surprise to themselves. 

With Erica, we have many, many memories of playing as kids. We were pretty much inseperable as kids, staying at each others houses all the time, calling each others parents mom and dad, that kind of thing. Then we had a few years apart, I think we talked like...three times in the four-five years that we didn't see each other. Then my brother, Jeremiah, somehow got in touch with her sister and then gave her my number and we started hanging out once again. Those memories include talking about boys, me Kody, her James, and life and blasting out to Ke$ha in my car, since now we can drive, and just being girls together. Now, Erica is married and expecting her first child, a baby girl named Fayth who is due within the next few weeks, so excited to meet my best friend's baby and my god-daughter. Erica still talk but not as much as we like due to me being away and her and her husband having moved away from our small town. BUT, we still talk and she is still my best friend.

Then comes Casey. Casey has been my best friend since seventh grade, right around the time that Erica and I stopped being able to see each other. Casey and I have always had a fun, but different relationship. See, me I'm a loud, hyper, touchy person. Casey, is quiet, calm and collected, and does not like to touch, or be lovey dovey. I tell all my friend "Love you" and I tell Casey that too, but she is one of the friends that I know she loves me but she really doesn't like to say it, it's awkward for her. But Casey and I have our fun memories, of (don't look down on me for this, I was in junior high at the time), making fun of people, making up nicknames for those people so that we could talk about them without them or anyone else knowing that it was them. Then we have other memories, that almost broke our friendship, but best friends make it through anything right? Then we have, of course, our shared love for Supernatural, or rather Jensen Ackles, oh so beautiful Jensen...yummy. Sorry, got a little distracted there, anyway, Casey and I have many memories of talking about supernatural, watching supernatural together and talking about it, me missing supernatural so her either writing out what happens or drawing out in a lovely way what happened, or us watching supernatural seperately but texting each other "oh my gosh! did you see that!". When I say we talk about Supernatural, yes we did talk about the show but most of the time it was talking about how sexy Jensen looked, or how cute that certain look on Jensen's face was. Now, we talk about anything and everything, including moving in with each other when I come home from Los Angeles, and of course, we still talk about Jensen's beautifulness =)

Then, of course, there's Dezi. My precious Dezi-ray, I purposefully misspell her name =) I love my Dezi, she is my younger best friend, but absolutely the one the probably gets me the most. We have multiple inside jokes, nicknames for each other, and funny stories. Whenever I think of Dezi I have to smile because when I think of her I think of the memories I have with her, especially a recent one to Wal Mart =) Dezi is the one that I probably talk to the most, about the most. I can tell her everything and not be worried about her judgement or her telling other people. Not saying that I don't trust my other best friends that way, but I'm just saying I probably am that way with her most. I can not wait to see her when I come home, because we are both going through so much stuff at this point of our lives and we've had to learn how to not lean on each other as much, but to figure things out ourselves, but when we are together we will definitely have a sit down talk and probably cry with each other and wipe each other's tears over everything that has happened. 

See? You can have multiple best friends for different things, or share the same things with each of them, but still have a different connection with each. I love each of these girls so much, they each have a huge piece of my heart and they all mean a lot to me, the same amount of a lot to me =) 

Lessons I'm learning

So, I've really been thinking about why God has me here. Like, a lot. I've been so confused, at times it has felt sort of senseless that I was even here to begin with. Luckily, God knows what I need, just when I need it. He send people, like my amazing friends here to just have a sit down and talk girl-talk which leads to me later on thinking, wow, I've come such a long ways from there, God knew what He was doing then when He took me out of that situation, I guess I should trust that He's doing the same now, right?

Well, see, I have this little problem...well, it's actually a big problem that I'm trying to fix...my godfather likes to call it my "fear of the unknown".  That is a big thing for me, I really DO have a fear of the unknown, yet I like to try and plan for the future. 

I DON'T like NOT knowing what I'm going to be doing, sure I like surprises but not ones that will mess with my future. So I usually do this thing, that I have found a lot of people doing. Which is saying, "God, I trust you to do this...BUT can you do this?" Which, it's not a bad thing to ask God for something, He's a father who likes to give things to his children, but He gives things to them that are good for them, things they need, not necessarily everything they want.

For instance, I can pray and pray and pray for God to give me an answer about what He wants me to do, but that doesn't mean he's going to...at least not that day. He could, He very easily could, but it doesn't mean He HAS to. Does that make sense? Which, by the way, I have been doing and He hasn't necessarily given me an answer, but He's opening some other options that I didn't even think about before, which could easily just be Him telling me it doesn't have to be this or that, but that other things can be worked out.

Anyway, something that I'm learning is that God does know what's best for me, He knows the right step and if I just calm down, learn to be patient and just listen for Him then He will guide me down the path He wants me to go down. I need to learn how to get rid of my fear of the unknown and just trust that God really can take care of everything and that it will all work out for the best.