Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Who? What? Why?

So I've been going through a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out who I am. I know my name is Sarah, I know I'm nineteen, I know my family tree, stuff like that. But who am I? What is my purpose of being here? What am I supposed to do with this life I've been given?

I'm told a lot of the time that I'm a fun girl, that I'm a great friend, that I'm an incredible person. I'm not saying this to sound conceited or anything like, I promise, I'm just saying it's what I'm told. So, then if I'm told this stuff then why don't I really feel like it? Why don't I feel like a cool, amazing, incredible, fun, great person? Why don't I feel like a good person in general? What is it exactly is it that they see?

I was talking to a friend last night and I said I feel like someone going through a mid-life crisis at the beginning of my life. So, maybe this is me finally finding out who I am?

But who is that?

A lot of people that know me call me a goody-goody. I'm not, I make mistakes, I have bad thoughts, I say bad things, I'm not a great person and I'm definitely not as perfect as everyone seems to think I am. I try to be good, I try to please everyone, but it's just not possible. I will never be able to please everyone, I will never be able to be the person everyone expects me to be, because everyone expects different things.  That's just it, everyone expects something out of me.

I feel like I've been giving and giving and trying and trying and I've just come up empty. Someone will come to me and I feel like they're there until they get what they want and they just leave. So why do I keep giving them that? Why do I keep allowing it?

I figured that's just part of who I am, I want to give people what I can so that they'll be around me and like me and all of that, but why does that really matter? Why does it matter so much to me that people like me? I know that I have people that are there that do like me, that will be with me for (hopefully) the rest of my life, like my best friends, my sister and my mom. So why do I have to please everyone else?

So here's what I DO know about myself. My name is Sarah, I'm nineteen, I'm a Christian, I'm in love with Jesus, I have a mommy, a sister and a group of really close friends that I just love and adore and would die for. I can by hyper, I can be mean, I'm not perfect and not everyone will ever completely pleased with me, not even my mom, sister and friends. I know I love to read and write, and it's my escape from life. I know I want to serve God, and I know I want to know who exactly I am. I know I want to do something important with my life.

So what will it be? Who will I be?