Wednesday, March 23, 2011

God REALLY does know what He's doing

This week has been, needless to say, hard. I am struggling with a lot of stuff but I'm still making sure that I focus on God everyday before I start the day. I honestly, don't want to know where I would be without my time with Jesus every morning. But something that I DO know is that God REALLY did know what He was doing when He sent me here, to the Dream Center. I've honestly learned so much in the short time that I've already been here, although it feels like I've been here for years most of the time.

The thing I am probably most thankful is that God has sent me to this place all by myself, not knowing too many people here before hand. I have had to force myself to make more friends, which has been very beneficial to me. I now have a little family here, I have protective brother figures, I have sister figures that I have here to talk to and that have been through things so I have some girl guidance. I have a room mate who has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend for pretty much the last year and a half so she understands my struggles with that so it gives me someone to talk to about that.

Another thing that I have become thankful for, is that I am FAR away from all the drama back home. Sure I get filled in here and there but I don't have to be in the middle of it. And as they go through their stuff and when I do get involved with it and they get upset, I now have a family here that will love and support me and help me make it through the day.

Granted, they all have their different ways of doing so, for some it's buying me coffee, others its bringing me chocolate, others its just telling me that they love me and for others its just giving me a great big hug until I feel their love for me.

So, I'm just saying, God DOES know what He's doing so maybe we should start trusting Him better, that includes me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh how I miss you...

So, this weekend I spent a lot of time with the people here from the Dream Center, I had a lot of good talks, and I enjoyed the time I had with them. God is helping me realize that I do, indeed, have friends here that care for me and love me.

Even as I do realize this though, I still miss my people back home. And lately I've REALLY REALLY been missing my best friend. I miss the way we can just look at each other and know what the other person is thinking, I miss our inside jokes, I miss sitting with her at church, I miss her laugh, I miss her hugs, I miss  us talking, I miss knowing what's going on in her life...I just miss HER!

So, my precious, beautiful, wonderful besty, my Dezi-ray, I just want to say that I love you, and I miss you and I hope you're doing well. The people I have looking out for you said that you weren't at church on Sunday and it got me really worried. I hope you're ok because last time I heard from you, you weren't. I'm sorry I can't be there for you, I'm sorry I can't hold you when you need it and I'm sorry we can't be together.

I miss you Copper, and you know what? We WILL be best friends FOREVER!!! And you REALLY blow my mind! I love you so much Dezi! Miss you too!

A good starter

Lately I've been working on my attitude about being here. I've been really upset, as I have previously stated...quite often. Well, while my mom was here recently, as I have also posted, gave me some good advice and I spoke lightly of what I've been doing every morning.

Every morning my alarm goes off and I sit up and reach to the end of my bed and grab my Bible, journal and a pen. Then I open my Bible to Proverbs and read the chapter of whatever day it is. For example, today I read Proverbs 11. After I've read the chapter, or while I'm reading it, I write down whatever sticks out or comes to mind while reading it.

Then I turn to Psalms 23. You know, the "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want..." verse? Yeah, I read that everyday too. And everyday, something else sticks out from the small chapter. And when something sticks out, I write it down. 

Then comes Psalms 34 which is a psalms about those who look to God, who fear the Lord, who take refuge in God will not prosper, God will provide for them, God will protect them, and God will take away everything from them. There is a verse in it that just touches my heart every morning that says "The Lord is close the broken hearted, and he touches those who are crushed in spirit." I write that down every morning along with the fact that God is the one who restores our souls. I also write down anything else that stands out from Psalms 34. Psalms 34 is the longest part I read most days, depending on the size of the days' Proverbs.

Then, lastly I go to Ephesians 6:10-20. These are the verses that talk about the armor of God. And this is something that I do differently. Yes, I journal about these too, but I journal it more like a prayer or a declaration. I pray them over me. I literally can see myself putting on the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, getting my feet fitted perfectly, holding up my sword of the spirit, getting on my helmet of salvation and shield of faith. Its actually one of my most favorite parts because it gets me ready for battle but yet I know that I can come out victorious because God is on my side.

Then at the very end I pray. I pray with thanksgiving in my heart and then I just constantly lay down everything at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He is going to take it and take care of it and that it will all work out because He is in control.

This is all a very new but very thrilling experience for me, everyday I start out very happy and I know that God is with me. It's AWESOME!

Shredding NO MORE!!!

So, these last few weeks at work, I have been shredding, and shredding, and shredding. Which is another reason why my blogging has been so limited. Granted I just started blogging in February but still, I like blogging as much as I can and shredding has hindered that amount.

Back to last week right before lunch I'm sitting at my desk sorting mail and my boss brings in this HUGE, GIGANTIC cart of stacks of boxes with personal files that have to be shredded. So, I got to do that. It was very annoying. The machines hates me and I hate them. They never work the way I want them to, they always jam up, they just, hate me.

So, I have been shredding, and shredding, and shredding for two weeks. It pretty much sucked, but I got it done. As of today. It was FANTASTIC! Its amazing how accomplishing the smallest thing can make such a BIG difference in someone's day.

So now, I can FINALLY go back to a normal days work and enjoy work without the horrid sound of the shredder, without the task of going through files from 1996 and then taking out dozens of bags of shredded paper and reloading the machine. Look, I know that shredding can seem like quite a lazy and easy job, but when you have as much shredding material as I did and have to do all your normal day tasks on top of it, it can become quite a handful. 

BUT thanks to some help from my boss and some other co-workers the shredding is DONE! D.O.N.E. FOREVER!!! least until the next group of people needing stuff shredded come in...

Friday, March 11, 2011

A wonderful birthday indeed!

I know this post is a little delayed but this week has been a crazy week...

This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had while here at the Dream Center. Why? Because I was joined here at the Dream Center by my wonderful mommy and my amazing boyfriend, Kody for my birthday. I was so super excited when they arrived on Saturday. I woke up early from excitement, I paced my room, got ready and then got re-ready, I cleaned up our room, then I re-cleaned our room and then once again got re-ready. Finally I was able to leave and go pick them up. When I saw them at the Union Station downtown I squealed with delight and my friend Valorie, who was driving us, freaked out because I scared her and almost made her crash. As soon as she stopped the car I jumped out and RACED to my mommy and gave her a huge hug.

We spent the weekend running around going out to dinner and lunch, which was awesome to eat good food again. I really enjoyed the time with my mommy and Kody. It was a huge blessing to have them here while they were. I was happy to be able to show them what I was talking about when I was talking to them on the phone and where I worked, and who I was talking about. They got to meet my friends here at Dream Center and they just got to experience my new world.

The first night that they were here we had decided to go to Vegas to see my sister. Well, that didn't work out but we had already rented a car so we just took the car and decided we'd use it while they were here to go exploring and such. It turned out to be a very good thing that we got the car due to how much we went off campus, which was actually REALLY good for me, it did wonders.

So we made our way from the rental car place back to the Dream Center after deciding not to go to Vegas. I got them all situated with their rooms. Later that night as everyone was ready for bed, I just started crying. It was a mixture of happiness that my mom and Kody were here, with me, and a sadness that I knew it wasn't going to last long and that there was no way I could go back with them, no matter how much I wanted to. So, I went over, got my mom and we went into the kitchen on our floor and just talked, well, rather she talked while I cried. I listened to her as she gave me her motherly advice and we just had a REALLY good talk.  She advised me to just start the day out with some Jesus time. And since the first morning they were here I have been doing that. I will not get out of bed until I have prayed, read my word, and have written everything in my journal that I have experienced for the morning with God, or whatever is on my heart.

So, on my actual birthday, which was just fantastic, my mom, Kody and I all woke up, met out at the car and drove the road to the rental car place so that they knew how long it took, and where they needed to go the next morning, and then we went to lunch and then went shopping for some needs that I have needed for the last month. Then we went back to the Dream Center and rested for a little bit, then we went BACK out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, then we went to see a movie which was a very fun  time. It nice to be able to cuddle with Kody once again while watching a movie, a blessing I have GREATLY missed. And of course, I held hands with my mommy too.

After the movie we came back to Dream Center where we had cake with the ppl on my floor and some other friends. After everyone left, my mom went to bed, and I stayed out in the hall and just hung out with Kody. I hugged him, and just enjoyed his presence for the little bit that I had left. It was a bittersweet time.

The next morning I woke up between six thirty and seven and I couldn't help but cry. I was very sad to know that my time with my mom and Kody were over until the next time I could see them, and both of them I'm not quite sure when that will be. We loaded up the car, went down to the cafe here on Dream Center campus for some coffee for Kody and OJ for my mommy. Then we went back up to the car and I said my farwells. It was very, very hard for me to do so and I will admit that I went to my room, after trying to go to work afterwards and my boss sending me out, and just cried for hours. I finally fell asleep crying, woke up in time to get my eyes unswollen before going into work.

All this said, I had a FANTASTIC birthday weekend and couldn't have asked for a better one. I'm VERY, VERY thankful for the time that I DID get with my mommy and boyfriend and look forward to the next time I will see them, rather it be together again or individually. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Like an Ash Tree

This is an ash tree. It is a tree that can grow in various soils and climates and it can grow a lot, it can become really big. The wood from an ash tree is used commonly in sporting equipment like baseball bats, tennis rackets and hockey sticks because the wood is strong enough to be bent and shaped without breaking.

Well, last night, I had a very profound God moment. You see, a few months ago, my youth pastor, (who is actually no longer a youth pastor but an associate pastor at my church) Sam, prophecied that God was calling me to a few things. To make my home in Him, to know that I am chosen, that He chose me, to hold nothing back and to just run full speed into Him, and to become like an ash tree. At the time, I had no clue why God was telling me all this, I had no reason to not be holding tight to Him, to not make my home in him, and I had no clue what He meant by becoming like an ash tree. I didn't even know what an Ash tree was. 

Well, over the last few months I forgot all about this prophecy and have just gotten EXTREMELY caught up in other things, honestly I have fallen away from Christ even though I've come to L.A.  to serve for Him. There have just been a lot of crazy things going on in my life that I just didn't understand what God was doing, or where He even was for all of it. I came to the lowest point in my belief that I have ever been. In all honesty, I just wanted to forget all about God and walk away from my faith completely. I have never been that way before, I was so lost, confused and hurt. So I buried myself in other things like friends, family, my amazing boyfriend, music, anything I could do that wasn't God, I tried. Now don't get me wrong I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol or anything else like that, I just pretty much stopped my relationship with God. I stopped praying, I stopped seeing the beauty of his creation like I used to...I just stopped.

When I came here I was a WRECK and everyone kept telling me, "pray about it", "dig into Him" and "just believe that God is right there and that's He's not leaving you, He knows what He's doing". Well, I didn't. I mean I tried, I tried praying, I tried trusting and believing but I just...didn't. Until about last week,  I had a conversation with my godfather back home and He just got me thinking. So, I started really trying to dig back into God. I've tried to pray everyday, tried to get some worship time in with Him and I have a few times, just not as often as I liked. And it was as though every time I was in the presence of God, everytime I prayed, everytime I listened to worship music, I was good, but it was almost as soon as I was out of that presence that I was instantly depressed, upset, and battling the battles again. Then last Thursday I heard that message of laying down the wood, and things have really been getting better. 

Until yesterday, I was just...blah. I just didn't want I guess. Everything annoyed me or upset me, I just needed to get away, from everything and everyone. So I did. I went to my room, turned on my worship music and just sat there. Then I opened my bible and out fell the old prophecy from Sam. And I read it. Which led to me googling facts about the Ash tree...and what is written in the first paragraph above is what I found, and what hit me a slap in the face. I started crying and just praying and laughing and I was just, with Jesus. It was fantastic. 


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Just four days...

In just four days my mom and my boyfriend will be coming to visit me here in L.A. and I'm so super excited. I can't wait to spend a few days with two of the people that I miss the most. The sad thing is that I am so excited for it to come that the days seem to be going by super slow and four days just seems forever away.

The getting ready process for them to be here is getting kind of crazy though. My roomies and I have to REALLY clean our room and take out all the garbage. I have to get my friend Jonathan that Kody will be staying with to get a mattress from his room and bring it down to my room for my mom to sleep on. Then I have to figure out where my mom is going to put her suitcase in our crowded room. (Honestly we really don't know where another room mate will put their stuff if we ever get one)

Kody will be staying with my friend on the fifth floor where girls are NOT  allowed so that is going to be a bit complicated to deal with but all well.

Another thing I have to figure out is WHAT to do with my mom and Kody while they stay here because its just not that easy to hang out on campus. There's not really much to do on campus either. When I'm off work I just hang out in my room or something like that so honestly I'm not quite sure how to host them.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens in four days. So stinking excited to see my lovely mommy and my amazing boyfriend and get huge hugs from both of them!!!!