Friday, September 9, 2011

Starting over

Well, I realized that I hadn't blogged in a while so I decided I would do another catch up blog. This last month has been kind of different. 

For starters, August started out with my church coming here to the Dream Center and it was super fun and it reminded me a lot of where I come from. Being in L.A. even in a Christian environment can have an impact on you that can make you forget who you are, and what you stand for. Don't get me wrong, L.A. and the Dream Center have both had a good impact on me as well, more good then bad. But it still has had a little bit of a bad impact as well. But my church coming here in August quickly made me remember who I am and where I come from and whipped me back into shape. They also made me REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss home which has put me on this anxious wait and major countdown to come home which I have had to work on because if I focus on just that then I won't be focusing on what God has in store for me for the last of my time here. 

The second thing that has made the last month or so weird is that Bri, my room mate that I started the year out with, is no longer here. I miss her like crazy!!! It's just been weird because I came here and had Bri, and she became my best friend here and now she's gone and it feels like I have to start all over again friend-wise due to having that void of no longer having a best friend here at DC. So that has been weird to adjust to. 

On top of Bri leaving we had a new addition to our room family. Meaning Georgia. She's from England. She's awesome. She's 18. She's boy crazy =) Georgia came in at a time where Bri, Stacy and I were just like, REALLY? ANOTHER ROOM MATE? and then she ended up winning us all over. We LOVE Georgia. She fit in PERFECTLY.

Then, within this last week, since Bri is gone, we had a spare bed and registration thought it'd be great to give us ANOTHER new room mate the same week Stacy was LEAVING. Meaning, once again, FOUR girls in ONE room the size of the room I had TO MYSELF back home. So, we got Ra'chelle. She's from the Northwest as well. She's 19. Super sweet. Just loud in the mornings...which isn't a good thing for me or anyone else because when I get woken up BEFORE my alarm goes off...well, let's just say grumpy gills comes I've had to work on that, don't want to make the new room mate feel uncomfortable right? 

Another thing is Stacy left, leaving me as the LAST from the original group in our room. It's weird...I feel different. I used to feel really comfortable in our room knowing I was gonna come home to my bri-bri and stacy-loo but both of which are no longer there and now I come home to the two other girls. Please, don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE these other girls but it's just weird when your friends have left you and you're by yourself and you have to make a whole new list of friends just so you don't go crazy for the next month while you wait to go home...

Finally, I come home soon! I'm very, very, VERY excited to come home and see what God has in store for me over the next part of my life. Everything has changed SO MUCH since I left home in February I'm kinda worried if I'm going to have problems adjusting back to my old life...well sort of old life. Then of course there's the fact that I'm going to have to find a job, car and eventually, by the course of a year, my goal is to be living on my own or with a room mate, but not a home. Let's see how that works out huh?

I think that is it for updates except for the fact that going back to the BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY, WONDERFUL, RAINY Northwest couldn't come sooner. I hate heat, especially when it's hitting the hottest days of the year this week here in L.A.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Gaurd Your Heart

So since I came back from vacation last month (wow, it's already been a month that I've been back...well, tomorrow) I have been slacking with my Bible reading...meaning...I haven't been reading my Bible like I was before. Well LATE last night my room mate, Stacy,  was NOT ready for bed although the other three of us (Oh yeah, update I have ANOTHER room mate) of us ladies were. So she decided to do the sleep over thing which is, everyone is laying in bed and you talk and talk and talk...well, mostly it was her talking. She asked us what our highlight God thing was yesterday and she answered first. Well, she ended up reading a Bible verse (Proverbs 3:3-8) and as she was reading it God began moving in me. So, then I turned my grumpy-ready-for-bed-stacy-shut-up attitude to "Stacy, do me a favor and please read the Proverb for the day" (Proverb for the day is reading the chapter of Proverbs that matches the date, for example today is August 4th, so I'd ready Proverbs 4). Which lead to her going back and reading the whole Proverb and the whole time she read it God was just moving. It wasn't one of those Holy Spirit Highs or anything in fact it was something totally different. God didn't get me all excited and on fire, He just simply used the words Stacy was speaking out to speak to my heart and to calm me in a way I haven't been calm in a while. 

Well, once Stacy finished we all stopped talking and went to sleep...except for me. No, now I was awake just soaking in the presence of God, listening to Him speak to me.

Well, God went and worked on a part of me that we are still working on together. You know how a lot of people have this place where it's like "God, You can have everything BUT this part" and God is like, "But I want THAT part, THAT part right THERE!" and you know, we fight and fuss and it's the point where people are like "ok, that's it, I'm done" and they just walk away...all because they don't want to give God the most precious part of themselves to them. 

That part of me is my heart. See, as I've grown up I've had things happen that broke my heart. So, I've grown up and had people have the parts that have already been broken and mended but I kept the part of me that hadn't been broken to myself, no one got it, not even God. God has been after this part of me for a long, long time. This part of me is where I hide everything about me, my fears, my hurts...everything. I've always been afraid that if I gave that part of me to anyone, especially God, I'd have nothing left and I'd fall apart or something of that sort. 

Well, first of all can I just say, God is freaking amazing!!! I love Him so much! See, no matter how stubborn I am (wonder where I get that gene or dad? BOTH), God can either forcibly or gently move in me and He is so amazing about it, and He gets what He wants and blesses me in return. 

Anyway, so God came to me last night and He moved in one of the most gentlest ways He ever has before. He put me in complete peace before moving though. It was kind of like a surgery, the doctors put you to sleep and then they work on you. That's kind of what God did, He put me in a place of complete and total peace and relaxation, but it wasn't like getting ready for bed, although that's what I had been doing just moments before. So, God got me in this peaceful state and then it was like I could literally feel Him worming His way into that place where I've tried to hide and keep from Him. It was like He was trying to show me what could happen if I would just let Him have it all. Now, I just have to make the decision and do's going to be a hard process for me.

So, anyway, this morning I woke up and decided I'd read the Proverbs of the day since I didn't have much time before work. So I did and this is what stuck out this morning

"23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

You see, last night God wasn't trying to have me give me my heart out to everyone, just Him. So this is my plan, to give God my heart so that HE can protect it because, after all, He is the best Protector of all right?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Recently I took a 10 day vacation back home. It was nice to get away from Dream Center and see how things were going back home, but it was hard to leave once again. It was nice though, to be able to say "This is the last time I have to do this". Meaning, of course, it was the last time having to say bye to everyone back home to leave for the Dream Center. Of course, I can't predict the future, so it may not be the last time, forever. BUT it was nice to be able to say, to my knowledge, that it was the last time I have to say goodbye to all my precious loved ones back home. 

My time home was nice in many ways but it was also kind of hard to be home. There was so much change since I left in February. Not only there at home, but in me as well. 

See, when I left, when it came to being told what to do in a commanding way, I would do it and I would bend over backwards to make sure I could do it for them. I was being controlled by so many different people, who I love and respect, but I was feeling so much pressure from them, I didn't want to let them down or disappoint them, so I felt that I had to be perfect little, yes ma'am, no ma'am Sarah. So when I came back a lot of those same people noticed a change in me that way. I heard a few comments like, "you seem to have more confidence" or "you hold yourself different" or "there's a peace about you that there wasn't before" and I loved hearing that there was a noticeable change. That was one of my fears of coming here and that I would change but go home the same person, or change so much that people didn't know who I was.  People accepted me just fine, but some had a problem adjusting to me actually saying no to them. 

One of the biggest people I had a problem with was my family. They were some of the people who mostly controlled me before I left. I was someone that could be walked all over and never say a word about it. Well, that changed, and most of them didn't like it. One of the people I was worried about having a problem with was my mom, but she was actually one of the people who respected and understood that change in me. But, a lot of my other family members did not like the fact that I would tell them no or I would actually argue a point with them. Now, it wasn't in a disrespectful way. Dream Center has taught me how to speak respectfully to people above you, and treat everyone as an equal but at the same time not let them walk all over you and treat you like a low life. So I guess what I'm saying is I now have a backbone and will stand up for myself, which I really did need to learn. I will still be respectful and treat everyone equally but at the same time I will expect the same in return and not to be treated rudely.

Someone made the comment that I seem to have a peace about me, which I found very hard to believe due to the fact that I have been feeling so NOT at peace for the longest time. But, what I came to decide what they saw was that I have come to realize that I can stress about everything and carry everyone's burdens on my shoulders. I can only take care of myself, and myself has to be ok before I can try to take care of other people. At the same time, when I was home, I was very relaxed while being home due to knowing that I couldn't change anything there anymore than I could change the weather (which was COLD) and that I was just happy to be home and surrounded by the people I care most about in my life.

Anyway, so going home was a refreshing but semi-challenging event. When I was home I realized how many people I have been blessed with in my life that care about me, and how much I truly missed them. They may challenge me and try to control who I am (some of them) but they all love me and I love them. I can't wait to go home and be with them again, in just two and a half months. It's weird thinking about how much has changed in so little time though, and that's what I'm going to have problems adjusting to when I go home. There were people back home that I revolved my world around, and now I have to start living for myself, doing things that I enjoy, for me.

Going home was really good in a spiritual way too. I got to meet with my godfather Jim, my pastor Sam and his wife Sharnessa, and some other spiritual leaders in my life and I got to be filled up again by their encouraging words and hope for my life. I got to talk to them and ask for their really good advice and their wise words, in person, once again. I missed those meetings.

I got to spend time with my family that I haven't gotten to see for a while, my dad's side of the family, my brother that just got back from overseas and my sister and her husband who are expecting their first child, a little baby girl. I got to see my "second" family, the Jacobson's which was really nice, they always make me feel so loved and welcomed in their lives. I got to meet my precious, beautiful goddaughter, Fayth for the first time since she's been born, she's now two months old, man they grow up fast. I got to meet my best friend's new man, Thomas, who I actually like, (I don't usually like her taste in men) he's pretty cool.

All in all it was a great trip, you know what I forgot to do though? Take pictures...I'll make sure to take a bunch when I go home for good in a couple months.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Who? What? Why?

So I've been going through a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out who I am. I know my name is Sarah, I know I'm nineteen, I know my family tree, stuff like that. But who am I? What is my purpose of being here? What am I supposed to do with this life I've been given?

I'm told a lot of the time that I'm a fun girl, that I'm a great friend, that I'm an incredible person. I'm not saying this to sound conceited or anything like, I promise, I'm just saying it's what I'm told. So, then if I'm told this stuff then why don't I really feel like it? Why don't I feel like a cool, amazing, incredible, fun, great person? Why don't I feel like a good person in general? What is it exactly is it that they see?

I was talking to a friend last night and I said I feel like someone going through a mid-life crisis at the beginning of my life. So, maybe this is me finally finding out who I am?

But who is that?

A lot of people that know me call me a goody-goody. I'm not, I make mistakes, I have bad thoughts, I say bad things, I'm not a great person and I'm definitely not as perfect as everyone seems to think I am. I try to be good, I try to please everyone, but it's just not possible. I will never be able to please everyone, I will never be able to be the person everyone expects me to be, because everyone expects different things.  That's just it, everyone expects something out of me.

I feel like I've been giving and giving and trying and trying and I've just come up empty. Someone will come to me and I feel like they're there until they get what they want and they just leave. So why do I keep giving them that? Why do I keep allowing it?

I figured that's just part of who I am, I want to give people what I can so that they'll be around me and like me and all of that, but why does that really matter? Why does it matter so much to me that people like me? I know that I have people that are there that do like me, that will be with me for (hopefully) the rest of my life, like my best friends, my sister and my mom. So why do I have to please everyone else?

So here's what I DO know about myself. My name is Sarah, I'm nineteen, I'm a Christian, I'm in love with Jesus, I have a mommy, a sister and a group of really close friends that I just love and adore and would die for. I can by hyper, I can be mean, I'm not perfect and not everyone will ever completely pleased with me, not even my mom, sister and friends. I know I love to read and write, and it's my escape from life. I know I want to serve God, and I know I want to know who exactly I am. I know I want to do something important with my life.

So what will it be? Who will I be?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I haven't blogged in a while. It hasn't necessarily been because I've been busy or I've forgotten its just because I haven't really had the energy or desire to do anything really. 

There has been so much change going on in my life in the last month that's it's just pretty much ridiculous. I'm serious, I've barely been able to keep up with my own life it's changing so much. I'm at one place one day and anther place the other day (mentally and emotionally, I'm still staying at the Dream Center). 

First change: I'm single. 

Yeah, it sucks. Kody and I broke up. For anyone back home this is kind of old news now except for the few that are not in the loop. So, yeah, Kody and I are no longer together. That has been something that has been really hard to deal with, let alone accept. It still doesn't feel real most of the time. I'll have something exciting happen and I'll instantly want to call him and tell him. Or it still blows my mind that I haven't talked to him in depth for over a month. It still hurts and its a pain I'm not quite sure how to deal with except for to lean on Jesus.

Second change: I'm thinking about going back to school.

This is a HUGE change because I have always said I won't go to college or anything like that because I hate school. School is boring and yes it teaches you things but it just sucks. I hate it. But now here I am, thinking about to going to school. I'm not quite sure if that's what I'm going to do for sure or not but its an idea I've been looking into and requesting information and applying for. 

Third change: I have vision for my life once again.

This is a gigantic change. I have been kind of just doing whatever for the last year, just waiting or thinking or whatever. I had no plans, minus coming to Dream Center but I didn't know what I was going to do next, and although my plans aren't set in stone, (what plans ever can with how much the world changes daily?) I am setting up things so that once I'm done here with the Dream Center then I will have some sort of plan. 

What is my plan? Well, I'm hoping to have it all nice and ready by the time I come home from vacation this month. Like I said above I'm looking into going back to school so that's a plan, or I'm starting to plan for my big dream, my main goal in life. Which is, for those of you who don't know, to start a teen center for hurting youth. I'm not going to go into deep details but I'm going to start a place where teenagers can come and get hope spoken back into them. So many teenagers are told they are hopeless, that they're worthless, that their lives have no meaning, I want to build a place where they can come and learn otherwise and learn that they're here for a reason and that no matter what other people say, Jesus loves them and there will always be hope for their lives.

Fourth change: I'm going back home after I'm done with the Dream Center.

I had posted before that I was thinking about moving somewhere with my mom or staying here at Dream Center for longer. Nope, I''M GOING HOME! That's a plan, right? So I have something planned out.

So yeah, four changes, four pretty big changes for me, good thing. Trying to keep up with them and get them all figured out and planned out? Hard to do but I will do them. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

He has the answers, not me

This week has been kind of crazy for me. It started out with my roomie, Bri, leaving me for a week to go home and visit with family. Which, it was nice to have the room to myself for a few days but...I really missed talking to her about everything. Ok, not everything, but most things. Bri has become my closest friend here and so it was like starting over all over again here at the Dream Center. I took the first few days to catch up on some much needed sleep and quiet time with Jesus, both of which I REALLY needed.

Then things started happening. Situations back home caused me to start falling down emotionally...again. Due to the privacy of the people I won't say what, but things going on with the people closest to me, times where I would normally run to their side and hold 'em close and just love on 'em happened...and I wasn't there. I felt like a failure. I had told them I would always be there for them and I wasn't, at times where people needed me most, I wasn't there. Something that really killed me.

See, I'm the type of person that even if I don't know the right thing to say or do, I want to be there for the people that mean to most to me. I would hold them close and tell them I loved them and just listen to their thoughts, listen to them vent, or freak out, whatever they did or needed that I could do I would do. 

Instead, since I'm here, and they're back home, all I can do is pray for them, which I did A LOT of surprisingly, and talk to them the most I can via texting/phone calls. No hugging them so that they can feel my love, or no standing beside them, holding their hand to let them know I'm there for them. Nothing that I would normally do.

It killed me. When the latest news hit me, which I won't say what it was, I finally broke. I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for the people, my heart was just too broken, it couldn't handle anymore. But, guess Who I cried to?

That's right. I didn't call Jim, or Kody, or even Mommy. I called Jesus...well not on the phone obviously, but I called out to Him. I cried and asked Him why the most important people in my life had to go through the things they were going through, what had they done wrong and why in the world was I away from them so I couldn't take care of them? And guess what? I got an answer, but not before I ran to Daddy God and surrendered everything and took refuge in Him, in the shadow of His wings.

God showed me that I will not always be able to be there for the people that I care about the most, even though I want to be, I can't, not always. BUT HE CAN! Isn't that GREAT? The One that created us just the way we are can ALWAYS be there, even when our bestest best friends fail us (even if they don't mean to) we have the True Best Friend that is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS there!

God also showed me that I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO STOP taking responsibility for everyone and everyone's problems, something that IS NOT going to be easy for me to learn. You see, when people mean a lot to me, I try to take CARE of all their problems, which in turn makes me take ON all their problems. So then, when I have my own problems to deal with, plus those of everyone I know and love dearly, I get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated and then I crumble and fall apart. 

This does not mean however, that I can't be there for people and love on them and all that, I just have to learn to leave it at that. I can pray for them, and love them, and talk them through it, but I can't take the problem as my own. This is going to be hard...

So, I don't really know what the point of this rambling is except to share a new lesson that I learned this week. Look to Him and He'll show you the way!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Best Friends

People like to say that you can only have one best friend, but that's just not true. I have multiple best friends. I have best friends that I've had since birth (meaning my sister Mickiah of course). Then I have my bestfriends that I've had since kindergarten, Erica, then later on in the school years, Casey. Then I have my best friend from church that has been my best friend for almost five years, who is, of course, Dezi. Now each one of these girls I have different connections with, I have different memories with. 

With Mickiah my memories include, sibling fights, her standing up for me as my sister, and of course following her around all the time because I wanted to be just like her. Then we grew up and so those memories consist of driving around in the car blasting out to music (something that I actually do with all my best friends), having deep talks about life and boys, her guiding me through the tough things, etc, etc. Mickiah and I talk not everyday but close enough over text, or e-mail, or a phone call here and there, due to her living in Vegas with her husband. She just announced to everyone, though I have known for a while now, that she and her husband Jesse are expecting their first child. They don't know the gender of their baby yet, due to them not being that far along, but they are thinking about keeping that surprise to themselves. 

With Erica, we have many, many memories of playing as kids. We were pretty much inseperable as kids, staying at each others houses all the time, calling each others parents mom and dad, that kind of thing. Then we had a few years apart, I think we talked like...three times in the four-five years that we didn't see each other. Then my brother, Jeremiah, somehow got in touch with her sister and then gave her my number and we started hanging out once again. Those memories include talking about boys, me Kody, her James, and life and blasting out to Ke$ha in my car, since now we can drive, and just being girls together. Now, Erica is married and expecting her first child, a baby girl named Fayth who is due within the next few weeks, so excited to meet my best friend's baby and my god-daughter. Erica still talk but not as much as we like due to me being away and her and her husband having moved away from our small town. BUT, we still talk and she is still my best friend.

Then comes Casey. Casey has been my best friend since seventh grade, right around the time that Erica and I stopped being able to see each other. Casey and I have always had a fun, but different relationship. See, me I'm a loud, hyper, touchy person. Casey, is quiet, calm and collected, and does not like to touch, or be lovey dovey. I tell all my friend "Love you" and I tell Casey that too, but she is one of the friends that I know she loves me but she really doesn't like to say it, it's awkward for her. But Casey and I have our fun memories, of (don't look down on me for this, I was in junior high at the time), making fun of people, making up nicknames for those people so that we could talk about them without them or anyone else knowing that it was them. Then we have other memories, that almost broke our friendship, but best friends make it through anything right? Then we have, of course, our shared love for Supernatural, or rather Jensen Ackles, oh so beautiful Jensen...yummy. Sorry, got a little distracted there, anyway, Casey and I have many memories of talking about supernatural, watching supernatural together and talking about it, me missing supernatural so her either writing out what happens or drawing out in a lovely way what happened, or us watching supernatural seperately but texting each other "oh my gosh! did you see that!". When I say we talk about Supernatural, yes we did talk about the show but most of the time it was talking about how sexy Jensen looked, or how cute that certain look on Jensen's face was. Now, we talk about anything and everything, including moving in with each other when I come home from Los Angeles, and of course, we still talk about Jensen's beautifulness =)

Then, of course, there's Dezi. My precious Dezi-ray, I purposefully misspell her name =) I love my Dezi, she is my younger best friend, but absolutely the one the probably gets me the most. We have multiple inside jokes, nicknames for each other, and funny stories. Whenever I think of Dezi I have to smile because when I think of her I think of the memories I have with her, especially a recent one to Wal Mart =) Dezi is the one that I probably talk to the most, about the most. I can tell her everything and not be worried about her judgement or her telling other people. Not saying that I don't trust my other best friends that way, but I'm just saying I probably am that way with her most. I can not wait to see her when I come home, because we are both going through so much stuff at this point of our lives and we've had to learn how to not lean on each other as much, but to figure things out ourselves, but when we are together we will definitely have a sit down talk and probably cry with each other and wipe each other's tears over everything that has happened. 

See? You can have multiple best friends for different things, or share the same things with each of them, but still have a different connection with each. I love each of these girls so much, they each have a huge piece of my heart and they all mean a lot to me, the same amount of a lot to me =) 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Lessons I'm learning

So, I've really been thinking about why God has me here. Like, a lot. I've been so confused, at times it has felt sort of senseless that I was even here to begin with. Luckily, God knows what I need, just when I need it. He send people, like my amazing friends here to just have a sit down and talk girl-talk which leads to me later on thinking, wow, I've come such a long ways from there, God knew what He was doing then when He took me out of that situation, I guess I should trust that He's doing the same now, right?

Well, see, I have this little problem...well, it's actually a big problem that I'm trying to godfather likes to call it my "fear of the unknown".  That is a big thing for me, I really DO have a fear of the unknown, yet I like to try and plan for the future. 

I DON'T like NOT knowing what I'm going to be doing, sure I like surprises but not ones that will mess with my future. So I usually do this thing, that I have found a lot of people doing. Which is saying, "God, I trust you to do this...BUT can you do this?" Which, it's not a bad thing to ask God for something, He's a father who likes to give things to his children, but He gives things to them that are good for them, things they need, not necessarily everything they want.

For instance, I can pray and pray and pray for God to give me an answer about what He wants me to do, but that doesn't mean he's going least not that day. He could, He very easily could, but it doesn't mean He HAS to. Does that make sense? Which, by the way, I have been doing and He hasn't necessarily given me an answer, but He's opening some other options that I didn't even think about before, which could easily just be Him telling me it doesn't have to be this or that, but that other things can be worked out.

Anyway, something that I'm learning is that God does know what's best for me, He knows the right step and if I just calm down, learn to be patient and just listen for Him then He will guide me down the path He wants me to go down. I need to learn how to get rid of my fear of the unknown and just trust that God really can take care of everything and that it will all work out for the best.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Decision, I HATE decisions

Ok, so I left home to come to the Dream Center and things weren't so good back home. Well, since then things have gotten pretty messy back home. So now I have decisions to make about going home when my internship is done. 

My question is, how do I make grown-up decisions when I don't know how to be a grown-up? Everyone keeps saying, "you have to make this decision because it is going to affect the next step of your life." So how do I choose such an important choice?

One option I have is to go back home and figure out some way to live. I'd have to find a home, I'd have to find a job, I'd have to find a car, I'd have to do so much stuff that I don't know if I'm ready to handle on my own. BUT the highlight of all that is that I would no longer be away from everything I've ever known.  I'll no longer be in that long distance relationship that I'm in right now, because I'd be back home and I'd be able to see Kody more then enough, and I'd get my FILL on his hugs =) But the truth is, that this "option" isn't really an option. Because I don't have a home to go back to, I'd be invading someone's house and taking up room until I could find a job that's good enough to support me with an apartment and bills, and all the other kinds of living expenses and when it all came down to it, even though daily I'd be surrounded by co-workers and friends, I'd still go home to a home all to myself, something I'm not quite sure I'd like.

My other option is to stay here at the dream center...something I'm not quite sure I want to do. Yes, I have fallen in love with the heart of ministry here and have made a little family of friends here but, I'm not sure I want to stay here any longer then I have to, due to the fact that, while I'd still be serving God, I want to take the next step in my life. I want to move on from this season that God has put me in as soon as possible. So, unless God gives me a SO PERFECTLY CLEAR message that couldn't be denied that it was from God Himself, I wouldn't be staying here at dream center at the end of these last six months.

Six months, crazy right? It's already been two months, yet it's seemed like an eternity. I'm telling you, its such a weird time warp here. Anyway, back to my options...

My last option, I won't say where I'd be going, but it's definitely not home. But I'd be with my mom, and I wouldn't have to pay as many bills, and I'd be able to get a job and save up for a little bit while not worrying about where I'm going to be staying the next day. But this would also mean, more time away from Kody, Dezi, my church, and everyone else that matters to me, something I'm not too happy about, but I know that being with my mom I'd be fine.

Someone told me today that they think that God sent me here to the Dream Center for a transitional phase in my life and I couldn't agree more. But she also said that she thinks He sent me here to prepare me for this next step of my life by making me leave everything and everyone I've ever known behind and to just get away, figure out who I am without everyone else around me telling me who I am, and to solely focus on Him. I can agree with that to a point, but I'm just not excited about staying away from everyone, I love them all so much, I don't want to leave them. I know there is that saying about "people come and go" but I don't WANT them to come and go, and I don't want to be one of the ones that GO!

What to do, what to do? 

This is such a frustrating situation, I honestly have NO CLUE what my next step will be or what I'm going to decide for it to be, because I don't know how to make such an important decision...

So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to pray. I'm going to get away from everyone here at dream center, which shouldn't be hard unless my roomie decides to be in the room tonight, and I'm just going to pray and listen for God and if He doesn't respond right away, that will be ok, I'll just keep praying and seeking His answer. After all, I DID tell Him I'd do anything...I just didn't think He'd have me leave...wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The latest in my current life

Well, it finally hit me that I haven't blogged in a long time. Well, a long time to me. So, I decided to just kind of update my blog. 

So for starters, my room mate Kendra moved out of our room a few days ago. It was sad to see her go, we've really bonded and she understands my struggles of being in a long distance relationship. When I'm in the mood that ALL I want is my boyfriend, she gets it. Bri, I'm sure she sort of does, but she still seems to not get it at the same time. Kendra does, she has been there, done that. So she understands the importance of a simple phone call, she understands just missing them even though your fine otherwise. Granted she just moved down the hallway, BUT it's not the same to me because first off, I won't know when she's busy or not now and I talk better to people in their room so that everyone on campus doesn't hear and spread rumors or something stupid like that. 

So Kendra moving out means a few things. First off, there is less mess due to there being one less person. Second off, we now have room for TWO more room mates when the next bunch of interns comes in, instead of the one we had before...well sort of. We had a BED for them but not really ROOM. Anyway, it also means that I now have to worry about one room mate coming in late so I don't have to stay up so late waiting for them to come in because otherwise they'll wake me up. Bri, never wakes me up when she comes in, like, NEVER. She has the gift of being like a mouse. So, now I can go to bed when I want and not be woken up the next morning when Kendra gets up early for work, which really only bothered me when I was SUPER tired. It also means that Kendra will be able to sleep all she wants and not be interrupted by Bri and I being in the room talking or whatever. Finally, it means that I moved from top bunk, to bottom bunk, which means no more almost falling off the top bunk or dropping things off the top bunk.

Another thing that is going on is that I am absolutely HATING being in a long distance relationship. Now, for the people back home reading this, NO, we are not gonna break up. What I'm saying is that this just sucks. I miss him all the time and I hate the days where I could really use one of his hugs, or cuddling with him and there is no way I can get it. I hate that I can't see him and all I can get is a phone call or an email. No hugs, no hand holding, no hugs, no cuddling, no hugs, no just being with each other and hanging out, and did I mention NO HUGS? Can you tell I miss his hugs??? I do, I MISS KODY'S HUGS!!! LIKE CRAZY!!! But, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? It is definitely doing that to me...when Kody came for my birthday I really enjoyed the time that I had with him and was thankful for the time I had with him. And whenever the next time I see him is, then I will be VERY thankful for that time. Just saying, there will be some MAJOR hugging going on =)

Something else that is going on in my life is that my Bible study every morning is really doing great. I actually started reading in the morning and at night. I actually JUST started that, as of last night. It's so funny because I used to not even want to read the Bible and now I can't seem to get enough of it. I just want to keep reading it and reading it but I have other responsibilities to take care of, like work, and my social time as well. I started reading James last night and I only allowed myself to read one chapter because I knew that if I didn't stop when I did I wouldn't have stopped, I would have read far into the night. But believe me, the little bit that I did read last night held SO MUCH stuff in it. In fact, I remember thinking, who knew that one chapter in the Bible could hold so much good stuff in it? For those of you that are curious, James is the PERFECT book to read when you're going through trials or temptations or hard times. It tells you exactly how to deal with it, and it's a cool way to look at it.

Another thing that is new is that tomorrow, I will have been here for officially two months. Crazy huh? On some points it feels like its been an eternity that I've been gone, but when it comes down to other things, it hasn't been that long. It's a weird atmosphere here when it comes to time frames. Everyday feels like its a week long but then it also goes by so fast at the same time. There have been numerous times when I have looked back at something and been like, "Wow, I did that today? I thought I did that like five days ago." It's just weird sometimes, but at the same time it's a comfortable time frame. Like, you feel like you've been here for years so you're comfortable with things here and the way things are. Sure, we all still have problems with different things, like the fact that sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school because everyone has to know everything about everyone and rumors and news flies faster then you think it could.

The last thing I want to say is that due to the current heat, I finally feel like I'm in Los Angeles. It is so super hot, this is when I wish I was back at home. Its already 80+ degrees and that is after it was just RAINING this weekend. I'm not used to 80+ degrees all of a sudden and in general I'm not used to 80+ degress. Back home, it kind of builds up to that, and by the time it gets to like, 60 degrees everyone is in shorts and tank tops. So, I am currently having major issues with this heat, BUT I guess I will have to get used to it the same way I've gotten used to everything else around here.

That's all for now, folks!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

God REALLY does know what He's doing

This week has been, needless to say, hard. I am struggling with a lot of stuff but I'm still making sure that I focus on God everyday before I start the day. I honestly, don't want to know where I would be without my time with Jesus every morning. But something that I DO know is that God REALLY did know what He was doing when He sent me here, to the Dream Center. I've honestly learned so much in the short time that I've already been here, although it feels like I've been here for years most of the time.

The thing I am probably most thankful is that God has sent me to this place all by myself, not knowing too many people here before hand. I have had to force myself to make more friends, which has been very beneficial to me. I now have a little family here, I have protective brother figures, I have sister figures that I have here to talk to and that have been through things so I have some girl guidance. I have a room mate who has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend for pretty much the last year and a half so she understands my struggles with that so it gives me someone to talk to about that.

Another thing that I have become thankful for, is that I am FAR away from all the drama back home. Sure I get filled in here and there but I don't have to be in the middle of it. And as they go through their stuff and when I do get involved with it and they get upset, I now have a family here that will love and support me and help me make it through the day.

Granted, they all have their different ways of doing so, for some it's buying me coffee, others its bringing me chocolate, others its just telling me that they love me and for others its just giving me a great big hug until I feel their love for me.

So, I'm just saying, God DOES know what He's doing so maybe we should start trusting Him better, that includes me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh how I miss you...

So, this weekend I spent a lot of time with the people here from the Dream Center, I had a lot of good talks, and I enjoyed the time I had with them. God is helping me realize that I do, indeed, have friends here that care for me and love me.

Even as I do realize this though, I still miss my people back home. And lately I've REALLY REALLY been missing my best friend. I miss the way we can just look at each other and know what the other person is thinking, I miss our inside jokes, I miss sitting with her at church, I miss her laugh, I miss her hugs, I miss  us talking, I miss knowing what's going on in her life...I just miss HER!

So, my precious, beautiful, wonderful besty, my Dezi-ray, I just want to say that I love you, and I miss you and I hope you're doing well. The people I have looking out for you said that you weren't at church on Sunday and it got me really worried. I hope you're ok because last time I heard from you, you weren't. I'm sorry I can't be there for you, I'm sorry I can't hold you when you need it and I'm sorry we can't be together.

I miss you Copper, and you know what? We WILL be best friends FOREVER!!! And you REALLY blow my mind! I love you so much Dezi! Miss you too!

A good starter

Lately I've been working on my attitude about being here. I've been really upset, as I have previously stated...quite often. Well, while my mom was here recently, as I have also posted, gave me some good advice and I spoke lightly of what I've been doing every morning.

Every morning my alarm goes off and I sit up and reach to the end of my bed and grab my Bible, journal and a pen. Then I open my Bible to Proverbs and read the chapter of whatever day it is. For example, today I read Proverbs 11. After I've read the chapter, or while I'm reading it, I write down whatever sticks out or comes to mind while reading it.

Then I turn to Psalms 23. You know, the "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want..." verse? Yeah, I read that everyday too. And everyday, something else sticks out from the small chapter. And when something sticks out, I write it down. 

Then comes Psalms 34 which is a psalms about those who look to God, who fear the Lord, who take refuge in God will not prosper, God will provide for them, God will protect them, and God will take away everything from them. There is a verse in it that just touches my heart every morning that says "The Lord is close the broken hearted, and he touches those who are crushed in spirit." I write that down every morning along with the fact that God is the one who restores our souls. I also write down anything else that stands out from Psalms 34. Psalms 34 is the longest part I read most days, depending on the size of the days' Proverbs.

Then, lastly I go to Ephesians 6:10-20. These are the verses that talk about the armor of God. And this is something that I do differently. Yes, I journal about these too, but I journal it more like a prayer or a declaration. I pray them over me. I literally can see myself putting on the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, getting my feet fitted perfectly, holding up my sword of the spirit, getting on my helmet of salvation and shield of faith. Its actually one of my most favorite parts because it gets me ready for battle but yet I know that I can come out victorious because God is on my side.

Then at the very end I pray. I pray with thanksgiving in my heart and then I just constantly lay down everything at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He is going to take it and take care of it and that it will all work out because He is in control.

This is all a very new but very thrilling experience for me, everyday I start out very happy and I know that God is with me. It's AWESOME!

Shredding NO MORE!!!

So, these last few weeks at work, I have been shredding, and shredding, and shredding. Which is another reason why my blogging has been so limited. Granted I just started blogging in February but still, I like blogging as much as I can and shredding has hindered that amount.

Back to last week right before lunch I'm sitting at my desk sorting mail and my boss brings in this HUGE, GIGANTIC cart of stacks of boxes with personal files that have to be shredded. So, I got to do that. It was very annoying. The machines hates me and I hate them. They never work the way I want them to, they always jam up, they just, hate me.

So, I have been shredding, and shredding, and shredding for two weeks. It pretty much sucked, but I got it done. As of today. It was FANTASTIC! Its amazing how accomplishing the smallest thing can make such a BIG difference in someone's day.

So now, I can FINALLY go back to a normal days work and enjoy work without the horrid sound of the shredder, without the task of going through files from 1996 and then taking out dozens of bags of shredded paper and reloading the machine. Look, I know that shredding can seem like quite a lazy and easy job, but when you have as much shredding material as I did and have to do all your normal day tasks on top of it, it can become quite a handful. 

BUT thanks to some help from my boss and some other co-workers the shredding is DONE! D.O.N.E. FOREVER!!! least until the next group of people needing stuff shredded come in...

Friday, March 11, 2011

A wonderful birthday indeed!

I know this post is a little delayed but this week has been a crazy week...

This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had while here at the Dream Center. Why? Because I was joined here at the Dream Center by my wonderful mommy and my amazing boyfriend, Kody for my birthday. I was so super excited when they arrived on Saturday. I woke up early from excitement, I paced my room, got ready and then got re-ready, I cleaned up our room, then I re-cleaned our room and then once again got re-ready. Finally I was able to leave and go pick them up. When I saw them at the Union Station downtown I squealed with delight and my friend Valorie, who was driving us, freaked out because I scared her and almost made her crash. As soon as she stopped the car I jumped out and RACED to my mommy and gave her a huge hug.

We spent the weekend running around going out to dinner and lunch, which was awesome to eat good food again. I really enjoyed the time with my mommy and Kody. It was a huge blessing to have them here while they were. I was happy to be able to show them what I was talking about when I was talking to them on the phone and where I worked, and who I was talking about. They got to meet my friends here at Dream Center and they just got to experience my new world.

The first night that they were here we had decided to go to Vegas to see my sister. Well, that didn't work out but we had already rented a car so we just took the car and decided we'd use it while they were here to go exploring and such. It turned out to be a very good thing that we got the car due to how much we went off campus, which was actually REALLY good for me, it did wonders.

So we made our way from the rental car place back to the Dream Center after deciding not to go to Vegas. I got them all situated with their rooms. Later that night as everyone was ready for bed, I just started crying. It was a mixture of happiness that my mom and Kody were here, with me, and a sadness that I knew it wasn't going to last long and that there was no way I could go back with them, no matter how much I wanted to. So, I went over, got my mom and we went into the kitchen on our floor and just talked, well, rather she talked while I cried. I listened to her as she gave me her motherly advice and we just had a REALLY good talk.  She advised me to just start the day out with some Jesus time. And since the first morning they were here I have been doing that. I will not get out of bed until I have prayed, read my word, and have written everything in my journal that I have experienced for the morning with God, or whatever is on my heart.

So, on my actual birthday, which was just fantastic, my mom, Kody and I all woke up, met out at the car and drove the road to the rental car place so that they knew how long it took, and where they needed to go the next morning, and then we went to lunch and then went shopping for some needs that I have needed for the last month. Then we went back to the Dream Center and rested for a little bit, then we went BACK out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, then we went to see a movie which was a very fun  time. It nice to be able to cuddle with Kody once again while watching a movie, a blessing I have GREATLY missed. And of course, I held hands with my mommy too.

After the movie we came back to Dream Center where we had cake with the ppl on my floor and some other friends. After everyone left, my mom went to bed, and I stayed out in the hall and just hung out with Kody. I hugged him, and just enjoyed his presence for the little bit that I had left. It was a bittersweet time.

The next morning I woke up between six thirty and seven and I couldn't help but cry. I was very sad to know that my time with my mom and Kody were over until the next time I could see them, and both of them I'm not quite sure when that will be. We loaded up the car, went down to the cafe here on Dream Center campus for some coffee for Kody and OJ for my mommy. Then we went back up to the car and I said my farwells. It was very, very hard for me to do so and I will admit that I went to my room, after trying to go to work afterwards and my boss sending me out, and just cried for hours. I finally fell asleep crying, woke up in time to get my eyes unswollen before going into work.

All this said, I had a FANTASTIC birthday weekend and couldn't have asked for a better one. I'm VERY, VERY thankful for the time that I DID get with my mommy and boyfriend and look forward to the next time I will see them, rather it be together again or individually. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Like an Ash Tree

This is an ash tree. It is a tree that can grow in various soils and climates and it can grow a lot, it can become really big. The wood from an ash tree is used commonly in sporting equipment like baseball bats, tennis rackets and hockey sticks because the wood is strong enough to be bent and shaped without breaking.

Well, last night, I had a very profound God moment. You see, a few months ago, my youth pastor, (who is actually no longer a youth pastor but an associate pastor at my church) Sam, prophecied that God was calling me to a few things. To make my home in Him, to know that I am chosen, that He chose me, to hold nothing back and to just run full speed into Him, and to become like an ash tree. At the time, I had no clue why God was telling me all this, I had no reason to not be holding tight to Him, to not make my home in him, and I had no clue what He meant by becoming like an ash tree. I didn't even know what an Ash tree was. 

Well, over the last few months I forgot all about this prophecy and have just gotten EXTREMELY caught up in other things, honestly I have fallen away from Christ even though I've come to L.A.  to serve for Him. There have just been a lot of crazy things going on in my life that I just didn't understand what God was doing, or where He even was for all of it. I came to the lowest point in my belief that I have ever been. In all honesty, I just wanted to forget all about God and walk away from my faith completely. I have never been that way before, I was so lost, confused and hurt. So I buried myself in other things like friends, family, my amazing boyfriend, music, anything I could do that wasn't God, I tried. Now don't get me wrong I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol or anything else like that, I just pretty much stopped my relationship with God. I stopped praying, I stopped seeing the beauty of his creation like I used to...I just stopped.

When I came here I was a WRECK and everyone kept telling me, "pray about it", "dig into Him" and "just believe that God is right there and that's He's not leaving you, He knows what He's doing". Well, I didn't. I mean I tried, I tried praying, I tried trusting and believing but I just...didn't. Until about last week,  I had a conversation with my godfather back home and He just got me thinking. So, I started really trying to dig back into God. I've tried to pray everyday, tried to get some worship time in with Him and I have a few times, just not as often as I liked. And it was as though every time I was in the presence of God, everytime I prayed, everytime I listened to worship music, I was good, but it was almost as soon as I was out of that presence that I was instantly depressed, upset, and battling the battles again. Then last Thursday I heard that message of laying down the wood, and things have really been getting better. 

Until yesterday, I was just...blah. I just didn't want I guess. Everything annoyed me or upset me, I just needed to get away, from everything and everyone. So I did. I went to my room, turned on my worship music and just sat there. Then I opened my bible and out fell the old prophecy from Sam. And I read it. Which led to me googling facts about the Ash tree...and what is written in the first paragraph above is what I found, and what hit me a slap in the face. I started crying and just praying and laughing and I was just, with Jesus. It was fantastic. 


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Just four days...

In just four days my mom and my boyfriend will be coming to visit me here in L.A. and I'm so super excited. I can't wait to spend a few days with two of the people that I miss the most. The sad thing is that I am so excited for it to come that the days seem to be going by super slow and four days just seems forever away.

The getting ready process for them to be here is getting kind of crazy though. My roomies and I have to REALLY clean our room and take out all the garbage. I have to get my friend Jonathan that Kody will be staying with to get a mattress from his room and bring it down to my room for my mom to sleep on. Then I have to figure out where my mom is going to put her suitcase in our crowded room. (Honestly we really don't know where another room mate will put their stuff if we ever get one)

Kody will be staying with my friend on the fifth floor where girls are NOT  allowed so that is going to be a bit complicated to deal with but all well.

Another thing I have to figure out is WHAT to do with my mom and Kody while they stay here because its just not that easy to hang out on campus. There's not really much to do on campus either. When I'm off work I just hang out in my room or something like that so honestly I'm not quite sure how to host them.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens in four days. So stinking excited to see my lovely mommy and my amazing boyfriend and get huge hugs from both of them!!!!

Friday, February 25, 2011

More wood on the fire!!!

Last night at Angelus Temple was fantastic. They had a MARVELOUS guest speaker Lloyd Bustard. He spoke about how when you do what God calls you to do, it is a open invitation for a full on attack from the enemy. Then at the end of the service he had some people come up on stage and hold up a piece of wood, resembling what they've been battling with. Some people had been battling with depression, fear, loneliness, guilt, failure, divorce...the list went on and on. It was crazy how fast the people came up on stage to grab that piece of wood. Once everyone had a piece of wood the speaker explained that the wood was the attack/battle that the enemy was throwing at us. But, there was a way to take that wood and turn it against the enemy. If you take the wood (this is what I'm going to call the battle from here on out) and set it down on top of all the other wood in the pile then it will help light the altar for Jesus Christ. In that, we are giving our battles, our struggles to God and from there He will take care of it, and defeat the enemy.

The hard part of this for most people is that we say we trust God, we say we believe in God but try to take care of everything, we think "I can handle this one on my own" which in the end, almost always leads to failure of overcoming our battles and attacks from the enemy. (I say "we" with all of this because I am one who tends to try this out a lot of the time.) When we lose it gives the enemy power and then he can easily come after us again and again and again until we finally go to God and give it all to Him.  Only He can help us completely defeat the enemy. 

This message hit hard last night, and it has kind of put me in a stump. Here I am going through all this emotional stuff, wondering when it's just going to be over. I keep having to force myself out of bed every morning just to make it through one more day. I'll be honest my mood has been kind of poopy (sorry, I've picked that up from my amazing boss) lately and I have been trying to make a fake happy attitude, and a lot of people who don't even know me have been able to tell that I'm not ok. That can really get annoying.

So, my new goal is to start a DAILY prayer just surrendering everything to God and just TRUSTING that God is going to take care of everything. He will give me HIS strength to make it through each day. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

That was quick...

God moves so quickly. Sometimes I'm just so blown away by how fast He can work through certain things. Like my craving for touch. I'm a person of touch. I love to touch people rather it be a hug, a pat on the arm, a high five, or a playful tap. So when I've been away from the people that I'm used to getting touched by daily, like a hug from my amazing mother or the cuddle time with my wonderful boyfriend, I start going a little crazy. Not getting my fill of daily touch actually sets me on edge. I start getting moody, I snap at people, I stress out more easily and I also start sinking down into the mood where all I wanna do is lay in bed and cuddle up with my monkey from my monkey and just be sad.

So, today I just so happened to be in one of those moods where I just NEEDED hugs. You know those days? Well I went through my work day, and I had a pretty good day at work, got a LOAD of mail and lots of impatient people but, it was still a good day. Then I came back to my room, climbed in my bed and just started cuddling. Then one of my new friends started texting me. So I ended up getting out of bed, going to meet up with them and by the end of that hang out time, which was only an hour, I had had multiple people that I consider friends come up to me and just give me hugs.

God REALLY knows what I need, when I need it and how to make it happen. Now if only He could send me hugs from my mommy and my man in a box or something so that whenever I need one I can have it on hand... =)

Easy, right?

Working at the Dream Center Mailroom could seem like a VERY calm job right? You just answer phone calls and sort mail, make copies for people, you're pretty much a secretary. Well when you actually work in here you would easily come to the realization that yes, you're a secretary but you are a secretary for EVERYONE here at the Dream Center. You get hundreds of phone calls a day, a whole BUNCH of people coming in and asking you questions that as a new person you don't really know the answers to. Then on top of that you have dozens of names you have to learn to figure out where their mail goes, you have to learn which department they work in and that kind of stuff. There is so much that goes into a person working in the mailroom, yet there are moments when you're like, "hmm, what to do, what to do?", then a swarm of people come in asking for their mail, or copies or whatever they want. 

All that to say, I like my job. I love my boss, I love that I can listen to music while working, I love that I see people all the time and I love that I'm pretty much in a position where I can easily get spoiled. That's something I'm having to adjust to because people will buy you things and give you things and its so rude to reject them yet I have such a problem with people buying me things. For instance, today, a friend came in and dropped off chocolate for me. How nice right? Well for me, I had a hard time accepting it, but he insisted and he always gives me this speach about how people giving me gifts could be God trying to bless me, so how could I reject God's blessing?

Now, I'm enjoying God's blessing, NUMMY NUMMY CHOCOLATE!!!

So, the point of this rambling? Just because a job may seem easy, "don't judge it until you've tried it" which is me saying, "stop telling me I have the easiest job ever until you have come to Dream Center, dealt with the people I have to deal with daily and tried learning over 500 names and where those names go.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Question, WHY am I here?

So, I've been in california for only 20 days and yet I still have to wonder, WHY am I here? Sure, I enjoy the new friends I have met, especially my new boys Aaron and Tim, they seriously make me feel at home here. But then there are the moments when I'm about to go to bed, or when I just have a moment to think and I ask myself, and God, WHY am I here?

I mean really, if you think about it, I could be back home with a 9-5 job working in an office just fine. Here though, I'm in what feels like a WHOLE NEW WORLD where, even when I'm with friends that do make me feel at home and loved, I still feel like I'm just not fitting in or supposed to be here. What am I doing here? What is the point of being on a constant roller coaster, feeling forgotten back home, missing people so much your body physically hurts, and being so worn out from all this that you just want to sleep but you can't sleep because you have to do work, try to get out of your depression and listen to your room mate talk when you try to sleep. Sometimes I want to say that I hate it here but I can't because of the friendships that I have made and the awesome ministries the Dream Center has.

What I am going to say though is that this is tough, and I was NOT prepared for WHAT is going on inside of me. I was not prepared for the anger, sadness, depression, or confusement. I expected some sadness due to leaving home, some tears as well but I didn't expect tears everyday or my body actually hurting because I am so emotional. If people back home thought I was emotional THEN, they'd think I belong in a phsyc ward now.

The only things I DO know is
1) God IS BIGGER than this
2) God sent me here for SOME reason
3) God doesn't owe me any answers
4) I REALLY just have to learn to trust God in all this
5) I have to make the best of what I've got
6) The people back home better get used to having phones calls coming from a very emotional me and they will need to learn how to handle it and what exactly it is that I need to hear at those moments, which is usually "Sarah, I love you, you can do this and God is still there for you".

Dear Lord, WHY am I here? What have YOU called me here for? Everyone says You had a reason, so my question is WHAT IS THE REASON OF ME BEING HERE????

Welcome to the Dream Center

Some of you know what I'm currently doing with my life, but some of you don't. Even those of you that do know what I'm doing would probably like to know a little more about what exactly I'm doing. I am currently staying in Los Angeles at a place called the Dream Center. It is known for a lot of things, but mostly a rehab center. Which is always so sad when people are like, "oh that rehab place?" because it's not just a rehab place. Yes, they do have a rehab center and a program for after that called discipleship and it has helped a lot of people, one of them being my new friend Timmy. But the Dream Center has so many other programs. They have the family floor, the teen discipleship program, the food truck, the food ministry, project prevention which helps families about to lose their kids because they can't afford food and other basic needs for their kids, project hope, and the skid row outreach called Jonah Project, the hope for homeless youth program that has a lot of different ministries in itself but one of the main ones is reaching out to the gays and the prostitutes, and the movement, a one year school set up for just you and God to figure out "the cause within you" (sorry that phrase is said so much with Pastor Matthew Barnett's book being released).

Pastors Matthew and Tommy Barnett are the founders of the Dream Center. Matthew came out to Los Angeles to start a church and then God called him to go out to echo park where he saw all the hurting, lost, and homeless people. He found the old Queen of Angels hospital that was for sale, looked around and really felt God's calling for the building. With a little persuasion toward the people selling the building and, of course, God's blessing, they were able to purchase the building. Cool huh?

See the building he purchased? It's been remodeled and such now and I have no clue what it looked like before, but isn't it beautiful?

This is the other half of the building that the first picture doesn't cover. Then there's two other buildings and the hope for homeless youth house on campus. I just haven't gotten pictures of that though.

So as I work here at the Dream Center I will be working in the mail room which is actually a very fun job, minus the stressful moments and the angry phone calls.  I love my boss Jessyca and my co-workers Kayla and Julia. They are all super cool and Jessyca takes me out quite often for lunch and such. She's very easy going and she's someone I know I can talk to.

Meet my fishies, I'm still working on my boss to get my own all to myself on my desk. I hope so, I need a companion closer to me.

This is the view from the door. It's been a little rearranged and less messy at times, but yeah, this is my work area.

This is what a day of packages can look like. This doesn't happen everyday but it does happen often, especially with Pastor Matthew's new book hitting the New York's Best seller's list. Cool huh?

So, the main idea of the mailroom is to sort all the mail into each department and give it to them. We have a lot of individuals come in looking for just their mail and I can't do that. I have to sit at that desk a lot and answer the DREADED phone. Cool part of the job? I get to Instant Message my boss and co-workers with questions so I feel like I'm talking to people a lot. And a lot of people DO come into the office, most of the time though they are frustrated with the fact that I don't know my job very well yet. According to the people that work with me though, I'm doing a good job. They MUST believe this because they have left me all to myself now in the office, which is VERY scary at times.



As I was growing up I shared rooms with my siblings. I used to sleep in the same bed with my sister at one point. And over the years as friends have stayed over I have shared a bed with them. But I have NEVER shared a room with two strangers. It's so weird. I came here and met my roomies, one at a time due to their different schedules. I was extremely worried that they weren't going to like me or that I wasn't going to like them or whatever. And sure we have our...MAJOR differences, like, they're REALLY girly, they love shopping and the primp for a LONG time, but I like them.

Kendra is from Canada and she's a daddy's girl but she's cool. She talks A LOT but we love her for it anyway. She has the weirdest sayings, and she gets excited for the oddest things. She has a good style in clothes and I think she's the one that takes the longest getting ready but that's ok, everytime by the end of it she always looks good. She sleeps A LOT and she has the CRAZIEST work schedule either. We are all still adjusting to that one.

Bri is from Oregon and she's a super cutie. All the boys fall at her feet and are instantly in love with her. Sure sometimes that part is annoying because then when you're hanging out with a bunch of people all the boys want is to talk to Bri but we're getting used to that one too. She is pretty cool though so we all understand why all the guys are so interested in her. She is crazy though, she gets so excited over the funniest things ever. She mumbles a lot while talking so I have to have her repeat herself a lot but that's always ok because then I don't feel like the only mumbler around here.

We are starting to all adjust to each other and get used to each other's different ways. We are all trying to work together when it comes to our differences and they are teaching me how to be neater, let's see how that one goes. They keep trying to get me all girly but that's not going to happen, I forbid it. FORBIDDEN!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Life's a BIG journey...

Anyone who knows me knows that I like being home, with my family, closest friends and my wonderful boyfriend. But who would have known that little, hyper, Sarah was going to leave her lovely Northwest home and go south to Los Angeles? Not me. Well, I sort of did but not for sure until I was actually here. I didn't want to leave home, I didn't want to leave my people, and I sure as heck did not want to go to Los Angeles. See, I love my cold home. I love the rain, I love the wind, I love being able to still be in town and see the wonderful, amazing, incredible stars that I love SO VERY much. I love it that when I'm upset I can go to someone rather it be my best friend, my mommy, or my boyfriend and have them hug me tight and tell me it will be ok and feeling that, because I heard it and felt that I had their support that it WAS INDEED going to be ok.

Well, now as I'm typing this, I am sitting in my new room that I share with two room mates and trying a hand a blogging (let's see how this works out). I wanted to really write out my thoughts and struggles and just my journey in general of my new life at the Dream Center. I will be here for 8 whole months by myself, well at least with no one from back home. This is a HUGE step in my life and in my faith in Christ. I haven't ever been in a situation were it is completely and utterly just me and God. I have had to learn that God is the only One who will NEVER leave me, hurt me, or disappoint me and that He is the One that I can trust with EVERYTHING. He is calling me here for some reason, I'm still lost as to why, and I have to trust that by the time my 8 months here is over I will know for sure. I'm indeed excited to see what He has in store for me. I know that it is most definitely going to be a roller coaster, both emotionally and spiritually but I have to trust God in this. After all He is all I've got currently, which I'm starting to appreciate.

Sure, the people back home are still there for me and have had to deal with NUMEROUS emotional phone calls already and it's only been three weeks but God is the one that daily, sometimes numerous times a day, give me the incredible strength to make it through the day still sane...well sometimes still sane. I have had a few days where people have wondered if I didn't belong in a different program here at the Dream Center due to my over-emotionalness and hyperactive behavior. I still GREATLY miss the dear people back home whom I love all so very much. They truly are a blessing in my life, even the ones that sometimes drive me crazy. But as I've been here, after my first couple...ok, I'll admit this, WEEKS, of depression, crying, anger, stress and mixed up feelings I have started to see that even though it's mostly just me and Jesus, He has sent me other companions as well.

Although I won't say and show all of them, but I will give you an idea of who I am talking about from here on out. Here are just a few of the closest ones, or the ones I talk to most often. Granted I don't have a few people here like my other room mate, Kenra, or my awesome boss, Jessyca. I also don't have my other co-worker Kayla, she's pretty cool too. There are so many people here but these are just some of my new companions.

Meet Valorie. She was the first person I met here, we went on our tour together and even went to Target togther. She's awesome.

This is Meagan. She's engaged, sorry boys she's off limits. She's actually room mates with Valorie, so I see her quite often.

Meet Marcus, he's a dance teacher here at Dream Center. He is going to teach me how to dance for my "one day will happen" wedding day. He's pretty cool too.

This is Godi. When I first met him he came into my office and afterwards my boss goes, "Doesn't he remind you of the guy off of twilight? HEY! Maybe you guys should be friends! He looks like a twilight person, and you're from the twilight area!" No matter how much I try to tell her that I'm NOT from Twilight area she still calls me Twilight, along with other nicknames. Back to Godi, he works for Pastor Matthew, and he tries to dance like his best friend Marcus. I wish I had the video to show you, SO CUTE, he really does TRY to dance. He's awesome in different ways than dancing.

Meet my Australian Julia. She is ALSO room mates with Valorie and Meagan. She's pretty cool, she's a good person to talk to too when you're uspet. She's just kind of tall so I have to make her sit down.

ROOMIE!!! Meet my room mate Brianna, I call her Bri, she's amazing. I love her and am glad to have her as a room mate. Although she and Kendra are trying to turn me into more of a girly girl by shopping and make-overs, which just ISN'T going to happen, I enjoy being around her too. She is probably one of the people that I'm closest with.

Meet Greco. Not Gecko, G-R-E-C-O. He's pretty funny. I went with him to my first Adopt-A-Block. He has a beard and is NOT going to shave it until he finds a woman...someone PLEASE send him a girl who doesn't mind a hairy man!

Meet Martin. He's a security person here at the Dream Center. He's awesome. Tall and SWEDISH. Yeah, Swedish. Pretty cool huh? He walks into my office close to every day on his rounds, a few times a day, so I see him A LOT. He's probably one of my favorite boys here.

Matt Wheeler. He's a worship leader at Angelus Temple. He comes into my office a lot to see Julia, the other one that's in the next picture. But, he has an absolute adorable smile and the PRETTIEST eyes EVER! Ha ha but he's awesome. He's a teaser too, reminds me of a certain someone back home at times, aka my wonderful boyfriend Kody. Even though he's actually kind of famous, he doesn't act stuck up. I like that.

THIS is the OTHER Julia. She's SWEDISH as well. Yeah, again Swedish. I love Swedish people, they're awesome. I work with this Julia. I just don't kow her last name so I can't distinguish btwn the two Julia's when talking about them except for Australian or Swedish Julia. I love them both though, they are both sweethearts.

This guy...ha ha, this is Tim. He is a second year discipleship guy. I'm actually ALLOWED to talk to him. He can be a little terd sometimes with his teasing ways but when it comes to being serious about Jesus, this guy is pretty radical. I haven't learned his story yet but I have a feeling it's pretty cool, just like everyone else here.

FRIDA AND TEE! Ok, his name isn't ACTUALLY Tee. I just call him that because his name is the SWEDISH form of Matthew, it's like Mattias or something like that and I just can't get it down right so I call him Tee because I already have a Matt, aka pretty eyes guy.  Anyway Frida and Tee are from SWEDEN as well, yeah there are actually a LOT of SWEDISH people here. Frida decided to come to the Dream Center and when they were only dating for a few months she asked Tee to come with and he said "yes" so here they are. She works with Food Truck, he works with Gifts in Kind. They are so super cute together, they're like attached at the hip though. They, sadly, are only here for four months, but it's still awesome that they came all the way from Sweden to serve here.

This is Nea and Hollie, left to right. Nea is ALSO SWEDISH. Hollie though is IRISH! My first Irish friend! So super stoked about that one. She has an accent and everything. They're room mates and they spend A LOT of time together as well. Actually, since they got here I haven't quite seen them by themselves. Cool though, they're just good friends.

Of course, I knew this stinker before I came here. This is Jonathan, aka Cuba. He wasn't thrilled that I was taking this picture as he was in the middle of talking but if I try to get a picture of him when he's expecting it he always does these weird poses where you can't really see him. So, I snuck one in. This guy is AWESOME! He is really close with God and just, cool. I haven't been able to spend much time with him yet since I've been here due to our schedules being kind of different. This picture was taken just the other day when we were hanging out for the first time since I've been here. Since then we have only seen each other once for about five minutes, sad but it's ok, we have eight months.

Well, those are my new companions, they're all VERY awesome and SO cool to be around. I miss my friends back home GREATLY though and plan to post a blog with pictures of them, especially my mommy, my besty, and my wonderful boyfriend.

Now, I must go and visit with my roomie Bri and then get some sleep before a full day tomorrow.