This week has been kind of crazy for me. It started out with my roomie, Bri, leaving me for a week to go home and visit with family. Which, it was nice to have the room to myself for a few days but...I really missed talking to her about everything. Ok, not everything, but most things. Bri has become my closest friend here and so it was like starting over all over again here at the Dream Center. I took the first few days to catch up on some much needed sleep and quiet time with Jesus, both of which I REALLY needed.
Then things started happening. Situations back home caused me to start falling down emotionally...again. Due to the privacy of the people I won't say what, but things going on with the people closest to me, times where I would normally run to their side and hold 'em close and just love on 'em happened...and I wasn't there. I felt like a failure. I had told them I would always be there for them and I wasn't, at times where people needed me most, I wasn't there. Something that really killed me.
See, I'm the type of person that even if I don't know the right thing to say or do, I want to be there for the people that mean to most to me. I would hold them close and tell them I loved them and just listen to their thoughts, listen to them vent, or freak out, whatever they did or needed that I could do I would do.
Instead, since I'm here, and they're back home, all I can do is pray for them, which I did A LOT of surprisingly, and talk to them the most I can via texting/phone calls. No hugging them so that they can feel my love, or no standing beside them, holding their hand to let them know I'm there for them. Nothing that I would normally do.
It killed me. When the latest news hit me, which I won't say what it was, I finally broke. I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for the people, my heart was just too broken, it couldn't handle anymore. But, guess Who I cried to?
That's right. I didn't call Jim, or Kody, or even Mommy. I called Jesus...well not on the phone obviously, but I called out to Him. I cried and asked Him why the most important people in my life had to go through the things they were going through, what had they done wrong and why in the world was I away from them so I couldn't take care of them? And guess what? I got an answer, but not before I ran to Daddy God and surrendered everything and took refuge in Him, in the shadow of His wings.
God showed me that I will not always be able to be there for the people that I care about the most, even though I want to be, I can't, not always. BUT HE CAN! Isn't that GREAT? The One that created us just the way we are can ALWAYS be there, even when our bestest best friends fail us (even if they don't mean to) we have the True Best Friend that is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS there!
God also showed me that I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO STOP taking responsibility for everyone and everyone's problems, something that IS NOT going to be easy for me to learn. You see, when people mean a lot to me, I try to take CARE of all their problems, which in turn makes me take ON all their problems. So then, when I have my own problems to deal with, plus those of everyone I know and love dearly, I get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated and then I crumble and fall apart.
This does not mean however, that I can't be there for people and love on them and all that, I just have to learn to leave it at that. I can pray for them, and love them, and talk them through it, but I can't take the problem as my own. This is going to be hard...
So, I don't really know what the point of this rambling is except to share a new lesson that I learned this week. Look to Him and He'll show you the way!