Ok, so I left home to come to the Dream Center and things weren't so good back home. Well, since then things have gotten pretty messy back home. So now I have decisions to make about going home when my internship is done.
My question is, how do I make grown-up decisions when I don't know how to be a grown-up? Everyone keeps saying, "you have to make this decision because it is going to affect the next step of your life." So how do I choose such an important choice?
One option I have is to go back home and figure out some way to live. I'd have to find a home, I'd have to find a job, I'd have to find a car, I'd have to do so much stuff that I don't know if I'm ready to handle on my own. BUT the highlight of all that is that I would no longer be away from everything I've ever known. I'll no longer be in that long distance relationship that I'm in right now, because I'd be back home and I'd be able to see Kody more then enough, and I'd get my FILL on his hugs =) But the truth is, that this "option" isn't really an option. Because I don't have a home to go back to, I'd be invading someone's house and taking up room until I could find a job that's good enough to support me with an apartment and bills, and all the other kinds of living expenses and when it all came down to it, even though daily I'd be surrounded by co-workers and friends, I'd still go home to a home all to myself, something I'm not quite sure I'd like.
My other option is to stay here at the dream center...something I'm not quite sure I want to do. Yes, I have fallen in love with the heart of ministry here and have made a little family of friends here but, I'm not sure I want to stay here any longer then I have to, due to the fact that, while I'd still be serving God, I want to take the next step in my life. I want to move on from this season that God has put me in as soon as possible. So, unless God gives me a SO PERFECTLY CLEAR message that couldn't be denied that it was from God Himself, I wouldn't be staying here at dream center at the end of these last six months.
Six months, crazy right? It's already been two months, yet it's seemed like an eternity. I'm telling you, its such a weird time warp here. Anyway, back to my options...
My last option, I won't say where I'd be going, but it's definitely not home. But I'd be with my mom, and I wouldn't have to pay as many bills, and I'd be able to get a job and save up for a little bit while not worrying about where I'm going to be staying the next day. But this would also mean, more time away from Kody, Dezi, my church, and everyone else that matters to me, something I'm not too happy about, but I know that being with my mom I'd be fine.
Someone told me today that they think that God sent me here to the Dream Center for a transitional phase in my life and I couldn't agree more. But she also said that she thinks He sent me here to prepare me for this next step of my life by making me leave everything and everyone I've ever known behind and to just get away, figure out who I am without everyone else around me telling me who I am, and to solely focus on Him. I can agree with that to a point, but I'm just not excited about staying away from everyone, I love them all so much, I don't want to leave them. I know there is that saying about "people come and go" but I don't WANT them to come and go, and I don't want to be one of the ones that GO!
What to do, what to do?
This is such a frustrating situation, I honestly have NO CLUE what my next step will be or what I'm going to decide for it to be, because I don't know how to make such an important decision...
So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to pray. I'm going to get away from everyone here at dream center, which shouldn't be hard unless my roomie decides to be in the room tonight, and I'm just going to pray and listen for God and if He doesn't respond right away, that will be ok, I'll just keep praying and seeking His answer. After all, I DID tell Him I'd do anything...I just didn't think He'd have me leave...wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.