So, I've been in california for only 20 days and yet I still have to wonder, WHY am I here? Sure, I enjoy the new friends I have met, especially my new boys Aaron and Tim, they seriously make me feel at home here. But then there are the moments when I'm about to go to bed, or when I just have a moment to think and I ask myself, and God, WHY am I here?
I mean really, if you think about it, I could be back home with a 9-5 job working in an office just fine. Here though, I'm in what feels like a WHOLE NEW WORLD where, even when I'm with friends that do make me feel at home and loved, I still feel like I'm just not fitting in or supposed to be here. What am I doing here? What is the point of being on a constant roller coaster, feeling forgotten back home, missing people so much your body physically hurts, and being so worn out from all this that you just want to sleep but you can't sleep because you have to do work, try to get out of your depression and listen to your room mate talk when you try to sleep. Sometimes I want to say that I hate it here but I can't because of the friendships that I have made and the awesome ministries the Dream Center has.
What I am going to say though is that this is tough, and I was NOT prepared for WHAT is going on inside of me. I was not prepared for the anger, sadness, depression, or confusement. I expected some sadness due to leaving home, some tears as well but I didn't expect tears everyday or my body actually hurting because I am so emotional. If people back home thought I was emotional THEN, they'd think I belong in a phsyc ward now.
The only things I DO know is
1) God IS BIGGER than this
2) God sent me here for SOME reason
3) God doesn't owe me any answers
4) I REALLY just have to learn to trust God in all this
5) I have to make the best of what I've got
6) The people back home better get used to having phones calls coming from a very emotional me and they will need to learn how to handle it and what exactly it is that I need to hear at those moments, which is usually "Sarah, I love you, you can do this and God is still there for you".
Dear Lord, WHY am I here? What have YOU called me here for? Everyone says You had a reason, so my question is WHAT IS THE REASON OF ME BEING HERE????